Keepsake (True North, #3)

by Sarina Bowen

“Chastity, welcome to the free world, where we are allowed to rot our brains any way we see fit.” “You have no idea how happy that makes me,” she said.

“Shh, baby. You’re dreaming.” But the touch didn’t comfort me the way it was supposed to. Something was still wrong—the voice. It was all wrong.

I needed to get a grip. I needed… Shit. “Where’s Zach?” I whispered. Griffin looked, if possible, even more uneasy. “At Isaac and Leah’s, I guess. He didn’t come home tonight.”

that was the moment when all hope died. I was all alone with my awful memories, and I would be for the rest of my life.

“Calm down, honey.” “I…can’t,” I gasped, my teeth chattering together. “Griff, I t-tried. But I can’t do it anymore. I’m so t-tired.” “Shh. I got you.”

I felt my body begin to shake, and I heard a rushing sound in my ears. The walls tilted unpredictably. Strong arms caught me. “Get my phone and my keys,” a gruff voice ordered. “Put on some shoes, then go outside and pull my truck around.”

My last conscious thought was of Oscar’s stricken face. And then nothing.

“Zach, I’m so sorry.” “I know.” “When I said… Before… That was mean. And not true.”

The very person I needed to be strong for was the one who could make me fall to pieces.

I was good for her. I was. But my love wasn’t enough to cure the problem, no matter how much I wished it was.

I had the terrible feeling that if I walked out that door right now, I’d never see Lark again.

She smiled, and I held her eyes. For that split second, everything was easier.

“I’m only telling this story once. And since Zach has basically been holding me together with prayer and duct tape for the past two months, he gets to hear it, too.”

“The boy who died… I killed him,” she said. To his credit, the doctor didn’t even blink. “Did you pull the trigger?” Lark shook her head. “No, but I might as well have.”

“I was down on the floor.” Her voice was shaking, and the tears were running freely now. “And they ordered Oscar to rape me.”

“Only good people care so much. Every time…” I had to stop to wipe my own eyes. “Every time I look at you, I see a good person.” At least she was clinging to me now, instead of pushing me away. “You had shitty choices, Lark. And that poor boy had only shitty choices, too. In fact, it sounds like he’d have had them whether he ever met you or not.”

I’d take all her pain myself if I could.

“You shouldn’t love me,” she whispered. I rocked her in my arms. “Too late.”

“Everyone has a time when they need a lot more than they can give. It doesn’t matter how much you hate it. It’s just true.”

“I can handle it, Lark. Just lean on me. I’ll be your Apostate Farm.”

We never had a chance as a couple. Lark’s parents were going to take her away, and by the time she was herself again, I’d be just a memory.

“Her parents took her home?” I just nodded, trying not to think of our very last hug, or the warm scent of her hair as I tucked her into the passenger’s seat and kissed her on the top of the head.

May hopped off the barrel. She walked up beside me and put her arms around my waist. She put her head on my shoulder and held me tightly. Then Griff did the same damn thing on the other side. “Don’t,” I said as the first tear slid down my face. They didn’t listen, though.

I’d never cried before. Not that I could remember, anyway.

saying goodbye to Lark hurt me in an entirely new way. Like I was bleeding and didn’t know if I could stop. Didn’t know if I even wanted to.

God, how I missed him.

Dr. Becky was a huge fan of Zach’s, even though she’d never met him.

“I wish Zach could have known the stronger me. The healthier one,” I told her. “But he can,” she said gently.

One time I woke up screaming, and she just sat down on the edge of my bed and held my hand. She didn’t look terrified anymore.

I wanted to get into my car and drive up to the Shipleys’, just to get one more of his hugs.

If I saw Zach again, I needed it to be at a moment when I didn’t need him for a crutch.

Don’t feel obligated to write back. I really mean that. I’d rather you just concentrate on feeling better. But I think of you whenever I walk into the Shipleys’ kitchen, or pass the door to your room in the bunkhouse.

Audrey is back! Griffin is so smiley it’s like his face is broken.

Leah is amused. She says that Chastity’s M.O. is to spend each day showing Paradise Ranch her middle finger.

Be well, Lark. Look kindly at yourself. That’s all I ask of you.

The more people I talk to, the more I hear that crushing on your best friend is a queer rite of passage. So thanks for making me a cliché, babe. :) Thanks a ton.

P.S. Please tell Zach that his letters are perfect. They lift me up completely. I’m not quite ready to write him yet, because I haven’t sorted my emotions well enough to make any damn sense. But every letter makes me want to give him a big squeeze. —L

We didn’t have Christmas at the ranch, because there’s no mention of celebrating Christmas in the bible. (Did I also mention that the people who raised me didn’t know how to have fun?)

Love, Zach

When I began to feel like myself again, it was a gradual thing. My mind began to become preoccupied with ideas that didn’t have anything to do with Guatemala. And in therapy I stopped arguing with my doctor. I didn’t notice the change until I began to get bored.

“Do you want to stay out of his life?” May asked. “Hell no. I miss him like crazy.” “Trust me when I tell you that he wants to see you, too.”

He’s not mad, honey. He’s trying to move on, but he still loves you. I think he always will.”

Zach’s smile. If I could see that smile aimed at me one more time, I knew I would do my best not to fuck it up.

Love, Lark

He’d told me that he hadn’t had Christmas as a child, and so I put a lot of effort into making the package beautiful.

He opened his arms just before impact. I launched myself onto him, grabbing him into a tight hug. Then I found myself leaving the ground. “You have bare feet,” he laughed into my hair. “Come on.” He carried me toward the house

“But I always have time for you, Zach. No joke.”

“Didn’t know if you’d want to stay friends. This hasn’t been your happiest year.” “But you’re the happiest thing in it.”

Neither of us was really focused on the conversation, though. We were too busy staring into each other’s eyes.

Everything was better when Zach was in the same room.