The Book of Joy

by Dalai Lama XIV

Suffering is inevitable, they said, but how we respond to that suffering is our choice. Not even oppression or occupation can take away this freedom to choose our response.

The suffering from a natural disaster we cannot control, but the suffering from our daily disasters we can. We create most of our suffering, so it should be logical that we also have the ability to create more joy. It simply depends on the attitudes, the perspectives, and the reactions we bring to situations and to our relationships with other people. When it comes to personal happiness there is a lot that we as individuals can do.”

“If something can be done about the situation, what need is there for dejection? And if nothing can be done about it, what use is there for being dejected?”

There’s a Tibetan saying: ‘Wherever you have friends that’s your country, and wherever you receive love, that’s your home.’”

There are going to be frustrations in life. The question is not: How do I escape? It is: How can I use this as something positive?

“Too much self-centered thinking is the source of suffering. A compassionate concern for others’ well-being is the source of happiness.

By simply shifting my focus to another person, which is what compassion does, my own pain was much less intense. This is how compassion works even at the physical level.

According to Lyubomirsky, the three factors that seem to have the greatest influence on increasing our happiness are our ability to reframe our situation more positively, our ability to experience gratitude, and our choice to be kind and generous.

Too much fear brings frustration. Too much frustration brings anger. So that’s the psychology, the system of mind, of emotion, which creates a chain reaction. With a self-centered attitude, you become distanced from others, then distrust, then feel insecure, then fear, then anxiety, then frustration, then anger, then violence.”

“Mental immunity,” the Dalai Lama explained, “is just learning to avoid the destructive emotions and to develop the positive ones.

Finally, after many discussions with psychological experts, it became clear that each position was valid and simply reflected a different stage in the cycle of emotional life. Through self-inquiry and meditation, we can discover the nature of our mind and learn to soothe our emotional reactivity. This will leave us less vulnerable to the destructive emotions and thought patterns that cause us so much suffering. This is the process of developing mental immunity. The Archbishop was simply reminding us that even with this immunity, there will be times when we will have negative or destructive emotions, and when this does happen, the last thing we want to do is judge ourselves harshly.

Dukkha can be translated as “stress,” “anxiety,” “suffering,” or “dissatisfaction.” It is often described as the mental and physical suffering that occurs in life, illness, and aging.

You are made for perfection, but you are not yet perfect. You are a masterpiece in the making.”

favorite quotes that we included in Mandela’s book Notes to the Future was on courage: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. I felt fear more times than I can remember, but I hid it behind a mask of boldness. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Archbishop Tutu said something very similar when we were working on God Has a Dream. He said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite it.”

They encourage us to develop stress resilience. This involves turning what is called “threat stress,” or the perception that a stressful event is a threat that will harm us, into what is called “challenge stress,” or the perception that a stressful event is a challenge that will help us grow. The remedy they offer is quite straightforward. One simply notices the fight-or-flight stress response in one’s body—the beating heart, the pulsing blood or tingling feeling in our hands and face, the rapid breathing—then remembers that these are natural responses to stress and that our body is just preparing to rise to the challenge.

When we can acknowledge and express the fear—how we are feeling threatened—then we are often able to soothe the anger. But we need to be willing to admit our vulnerability.

At the physical level one has to act accordingly, but at the mental level one can remain calm and relaxed. This is how you train the mind.”

The Dalai Lama had said earlier that if we can discover our role in creating the situations that upset us, we are able to reduce our feelings of frustration and anger. Also, when we are able to recognize that the other person has their own fears and hurts, their own fragile and human perspective, then we have a chance of escaping from the normal reflex of anger.

“And so finally, sometimes it is a matter of timing,” the Dalai Lama said, concluding our first morning session as we were about to break for tea. “Too much tiredness can lead us to feel frustration and anger. In my own case, when I encounter some difficult situation in the morning, my mind is calm, and it is much easier. When the same situation happens in the late evening, and I am a little bit tired, then I feel annoyed. So your basic physical condition makes a difference, whether your body is fresh, whether your mind is fresh. So this also shows how much depends on your own perception and your limited subjective view.”

The Dalai Lama was describing the Buddhist concept of mudita, which is often translated as “sympathetic joy” and described as the antidote to envy. Mudita is so important in Buddhism that it is considered one of the Four Immeasurables, qualities we can cultivate infinitely. The other three are loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity.

Jinpa explained that there is a profound teaching by an ancient Tibetan master: The true measure of spiritual development is how one confronts one’s own mortality. The best way is when one is able to approach death with joy; next best way is without fear; third best way is at least not to have regrets.

“Yet as a Buddhist practitioner, I thought of Shantideva’s somewhat stern advice: If there is a way to overcome the situation, then instead of feeling too much sadness, too much fear, or too much anger, make an effort to change the situation. If there’s nothing you can do to overcome the situation, then there is no need for fear or sadness or anger. So I told myself, at that moment, that even if something were to happen to me, it would still be okay.

Actually, fear is part of human nature; it’s a natural response that arises in the face of a danger. But with courage, when in fact real dangers come, you can be more fearless, more realistic. On the other hand, if you let your imagination run wild, then you exacerbate the situation further and then bring more fear.

“There is a Tibetan prayer,” the Dalai Lama said, “which is part of the mind-training teachings. A Tibetan master says, ‘Whenever I see someone, may I never feel superior. From the depth of my heart, may I be able to really appreciate the other person in front of me.’”

There is a Tibetan saying that wisdom is like rainwater—both gather in the low places.

the Four Immeasurables, which has guided many on their journey to more compassion and greater happiness: May all beings attain happiness. May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings never be separated from joy. May all beings abide in equanimity.

A Tonglen Practice The famous tonglen practice allows us to be present and helpful to others when they are suffering, facing adversity, or confronting illness. This practice is the culmination of the Compassion Cultivation Training and is based on a widespread and powerful Buddhist practice. In this practice, we take suffering from others and offer our love, our courage, our strength, and our joy.

Begin by settling your mind with several long breaths through your nose. Think of someone who is suffering. You can choose a loved one, a friend, or even a whole group of people, such as refugees. Reflect on the fact that, just like you, they wish to overcome suffering and to be joyful. Try to feel a sense of concern for the well-being of the person or group you are focusing on. Feel deep within your heart the desire for them to be free of suffering. Taking their suffering. As you inhale, imagine the pain being drawn from their body and dissolving when it encounters the warmth and bright light of your compassionate heart. You can see their pain as dark clouds that are dissolving as they encounter the bright light of your heart. If the idea of taking in others’ suffering is concerning or unsettling, you can imagine their suffering dissolving into a bright orb of light in front of you that is radiating out from your compassionate heart. Give out your joy. As you exhale, imagine that you are sending the person rays of light filled with your love and compassion, your courage and your confidence, your strength and your joy. Repeat this practice of taking the suffering and transforming it by giving your joy. If you have done this practice for an individual or loved one, you can extend the practice to others who are suffering all around the world. If you are taking the suffering of someone who is being harmed by others, you can take the cruelty and hatred that is causing the harm...

This death meditation is much less involved than the one that the Dalai Lama described, but it shares the same goal: using the reminder of death to help us be truly alive. Reflect on the words: “Anything that has a birth has a death, and I am no exception.” Consider the following: “There are many conditions that can lead to death. Death can never be stopped. Nothing can prevent the inevitable.” Now imagine that you are on your deathbed. Ask yourself the following questions: “Have I loved others? Have I brought joy and compassion to others? Has my life mattered to others?” Imagine your funeral. Imagine your loved ones making preparations for your funeral and referring to you as “the late so-and-so.” Reflect on what people would say about you. Are you happy with what they might say? What might you need to change now to change what will be said then? Conclude with the resolve “I shall always live my life with purpose. Time never remains still, and it’s up to me to use my time in the most meaningful way. I shall live in harmony with my deeper aspirations so that when my final day arrives I will be able to leave with ease and without remorse.”

Laughing at Ourselves to Develop Humor Humor seems like something that is spontaneous and natural and cannot be cultivated, but the ability to laugh at ourselves and to see the rich ironies and funny realities in our lives is actually, like perspective, something that we can learn with practice over time. Think of one of your limitations, human faults, or foibles. Think of something about yourself that is actually quite funny when you can have some perspective. The Dalai Lama can laugh at his limited English. The Archbishop can laugh at his big nose. What can you laugh at about yourself? When you can laugh at yourself, you will let others feel closer to you and inspire them to accept their own limitations, faults, and foibles. Laugh at yourself. The next time you are in a situation where you act in a funny way, or say something in a funny way, or are just less than perfect, chuckle at yourself and make a joke of it. Humor is one of the best ways to end conflict, especially when you are able to make fun of yourself or admit that you are overreacting or being silly. Laugh at life. The next time you are delayed or something does not go your way, try being amused by the situation rather than getting angry or outraged. You will notice how your amusement puts others at ease and can often smooth the situation. Similarly, when you encounter certain ironies in your day-to-day life, try to see the humor.

Acceptance—A Meditation Any possibility of joy requires an acceptance of reality. As the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama both explained, this is the only place from which one can start to work for change, personal or global. Meditation is a practice that allows us to accept our life moment by moment without judgment or the expectation for life to be other than what it is. Sit comfortably, either on a chair with your feet on the ground, or cross-legged. You can rest your hands on your legs or in your lap. Close your eyes and take several long breaths through your nose. Feel your stomach rise and fall as you breathe into your belly. Pay attention to what you hear around you. Notice how the world is alive with sound. As thoughts about these noises arise—judgments, assessments, irritations—let these observations and evaluations drift away. Release your focus on your breath and, while staying in the present moment, notice as any thoughts or feelings arise. Perhaps you will notice some discomfort in your body or have a feeling arise, or you may have a thought about what you need to accomplish or remember to do today. As the thoughts come up, let them float away without judging them or getting caught up in them. Begin to start seeing thoughts as thoughts without identifying with them. Just observe each moment without judgment. Think of a situation that you are having a hard time accepting. Perhaps it is your difficulty finding a job or a life partner, or it may be a friend’s illnes...

happened. If you are disappointed with some aspect of how you acted, put your hand on your heart and say, “I accept myself as I am, flawed and human like everyone else.” Notice where you have fallen short of your intention, because that is part of what will allow you to grow and learn. If something painful happened in your day, you can gently acknowledge it by saying, “That was painful. I am not alone. We all suffer at times.”