The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World

by Dalai Lama XIV

Lasting happiness cannot be found in pursuit of any goal or achievement. It does not reside in fortune or fame. It resides only in the human mind and heart, and it is here that we hope you will find it.

“If something can be done about the situation, what need is there for dejection? And if nothing can be done about it, what use is there for being dejected?”

as we recognize others’ suffering and realize that we are not alone, our pain is lessened.

The question is not: How do I escape? It is: How can I use this as something positive?

“Too much self-centered thinking is the source of suffering. A compassionate concern for others’ well-being is the source of happiness.

the three factors that seem to have the greatest influence on increasing our happiness are our ability to reframe our situation more positively, our ability to experience gratitude, and our choice to be kind and generous.

One could be good at maintaining positive states but easily fall into an abyss of a negative state from which one had a hard time recovering. That explained a lot in my life.

as soon as I wake up, I remember Buddha’s teaching: the importance of kindness and compassion, wishing something good for others, or at least to reduce their suffering. Then I remember that everything is interrelated, the teaching of interdependence. So then I set my intention for the day: that this day should be meaningful. Meaningful means, if possible, serve and help others. If not possible, then at least not to harm others. That’s a meaningful day.”

With a self-centered attitude, you become distanced from others, then distrust, then feel insecure, then fear, then anxiety, then frustration, then anger, then violence.”

Through self-inquiry and meditation, we can discover the nature of our mind and learn to soothe our emotional reactivity. This will leave us less vulnerable to the destructive emotions and thought patterns that cause us so much suffering. This is the process of developing mental immunity.

“We have perceptions about our experience, and we judge them: ‘This is good.’ ‘This is bad.’ ‘This is neutral,’” the Dalai Lama explained. “Then we have responses: fear, frustration, anger. We realize that these are just different aspects of mind. They are not the actual reality. Similarly, fearlessness, kindness, love, and forgiveness are also aspects of mind. It is very useful to know the system of emotion and to understand how our mind works.

In contrast, if I see myself primarily in terms of myself as a fellow human, I will then have more than seven billion people who I can feel deep connection with. And this is wonderful, isn’t it? What do you need to fear or worry about when you have seven billion other people who are with you?”

“Where there is fear, frustration will come. Frustration brings anger. So, you see, fear and anger are very close.” The Dalai Lama’s perspective, I later learned, is supported by our basic biology. Fear and anger are two poles of our natural response, as we prepare to flee (fear) or to fight (anger).

grief is the reminder of the depth of our love.

“In the materialistic way of life, there’s no concept of friendship, no concept of love, just work,

when one is thinking about others with kindness and compassion, one is never lonely.

There is a Tibetan Buddhist teaching that says what causes suffering in life is a general pattern of how we relate to others: “Envy toward the above, competitiveness toward the equal, and contempt toward the lower.”

As for suffering I do not wish even the slightest; as for happiness I am never satisfied. In this, there is no difference between others and me. Bless me so I may take joy in others’ happiness.

The path to joy, like with sadness, did not lead away from suffering and adversity but through it.

we grow in kindness when our kindness is tested.”

The real secret of freedom may simply be extending this brief space between stimulus and response. Meditation seems to elongate this pause and help expand our ability to choose our response.

Marriages, even the best ones—perhaps especially the best ones—are an ongoing process of spoken and unspoken forgiveness.

As our dialogue progressed, we converged on eight pillars of joy. Four were qualities of the mind: perspective, humility, humor, and acceptance. Four were qualities of the heart: forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and generosity.

changing our emotions is quite hard, changing our perspective is actually relatively easy. It is a part of our mind, over which we have influence.

We suffer from a perspectival myopia. As a result, we are left nearsighted, unable to see our experience in a larger way. When we confront a challenge, we often react to the situation with fear and anger.

“suffering with” others reminds us that we are not alone, and actually lessens our own pain. This recognition of our interdependence begins to soften our rigid sense of self, the boundaries that separate us from others.

None of us are immune to the all-too-human traits of pride or ego, but true arrogance really comes from insecurity. Needing to feel that we are bigger than others comes from a nagging fear that we are smaller.

we’re so very apt to belittle because we are also so unsure of ourselves

Other people are one of the greatest sources of uncertainty in our lives, so it is not surprising that much humor is used to manage and massage these encounters.

“Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And what is the use of being unhappy if it cannot be remedied?”

When we react, we stay locked in judgment and criticism, anxiety and despair, even denial and addiction.

In Buddhism, one can be grateful even for one’s enemies, “our most precious spiritual teachers,” as they are often called, because they help us develop our spiritual practice and to cultivate equanimity even in the face of adversity.

Unforgiveness robs us of our ability to enjoy and appreciate our life, because we are trapped in a past filled with anger and bitterness. Forgiveness allows us to move beyond the past and appreciate the present, including the drops of rain falling on our face.

When you are grateful,” Brother Steindl-Rast explained, “you are not fearful, and when you are not fearful, you are not violent. When you are grateful, you act out of a sense of enough and not out of a sense of scarcity, and you are willing to share. If you are grateful, you are enjoying the differences between people and respectful to all people. A grateful world is a world of joyful people. Grateful people are joyful people. A grateful world is a happy world.”

“It’s taught that the best way to create good karma with the least amount of effort is to rejoice in your good deeds and those of others.”

In the happiness literature there is a great deal of research on the importance of having a sense of purpose. Purpose, fundamentally, is about how we are able to contribute and be generous to others, how we feel needed by and of value to others.

“We are fundamentally good. The aberration is not the good person; the aberration is the bad person.