Forever is the Worst Long Time

by Camille Pagán

but none of us yet knew that he was working for an institution whose financial solvency revolved around destroying people’s dreams.

at that point in life, I had very particular ideas about how writing was to be done.

It was one of those moments when you feel unbelievably lucky to have been placed on the planet at the same time as the people in your life.

I had just discovered that there was a void in me, and “perfectly lovely” was never going to fill it.

And if for some reason committing to Kathryn proved to be impossible, I decided, I could, and would, make a concerted effort to find a partner who made the rest of the world disappear when she was near.

My mother had died suddenly during my first year of graduate school. We had not been close, but I had foolishly believed our relationship would unfold like a novel: discord, yes, but then reconnection, followed by a satisfying conclusion. Instead, our story ended in the middle, and that was that.

But every once in a while it seemed that her expectations shone a spotlight on the deficit of my dreams.

In your twenties, it’s easy to think most of your better days are still up ahead.

If you find yourself in an effortless position in life, as I did beside Kathryn in bed that fall morning, enjoy it, but don’t stop there.

And that was that I craved fireworks, shortness of breath, that whole-body tingle.

There is something about leaving things undone that wears away your confidence,

The sky was lit with industry and overpopulation, and it was hard to see the stars.

I must have believed, at least on a subconscious level, that having this stereotypical setup would make up for the unhappy childhood I had experienced and save you from the same fate in the process.

I had forgotten just how adaptable we humans can be when change is not a choice.

the wonder of life being that anything can happen? That infinite possibility is exactly what makes living so damn heartbreaking.

But try to remember that loss is an incredible stroke of luck.