Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

by Shannon Thomas

One: Despair Two: Education Three: Awakening Four: Boundaries Five: Restoration Six: Maintenance

You may have tried to explain to people the exact harm that has been done to you. I bet it often comes out sounding as if you are exceptionally needy, petty, or even paranoid.

Most people have no clue hidden abuse is taking place right under their noses. It is being perpetrated by individuals who would never be suspected of being abusers. The concealed nature of this harm is what leaves its targets devastated.

“Gaslighting” is when the abusive person attempts to change the facts of conversations or events in order to discredit the victim’s trust in his/her own memory.

“Flying Monkey” is a term to describe the individuals who surround a perpetrator and do their “dirty work,” willingly or by accident.

“Smear Campaign” is when lies, gossip, and triangulation are used by the abusive person to turn other people, or groups of other people, against a victim.

“Love Bombing” is when a toxic person uses calculated positive attention in order to manipulate the victim’s emotions and expectations of attention in the relationship.

“Hoovering” is when the toxic person tries to get the victim to re-engage in the relationship by sucking the victim back into contact. The hoovering can either be positive attention from the toxic person or negative attention to engage the victim in an argument, etc.

I will be referring to people who have been the victims of psychological abuse as “survivors.”

I recently saw an online meme that said, “I just wanted a soul mate. I didn’t want a degree in psychology.” It made me laugh because to accurately understand psychological abuse, one must recognize personality disorders.

A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.

A Sociopath will run you over, scold you for being in their way, and have a smirk because secretly they get entertainment out of the chaos they’ve created.

A Psychopath will go to great lengths and take calculated steps to ensure they run you over, laugh while doing it, and back up t...

Frequently, the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is and how lucky the survivor is to be connected to the abuser.

What is seen behind closed doors is radically different than the public persona she or he is selling to the world. Boy, is the world buying it, too. Some of the worst hidden abusers not only have good public images, but often it is stellar.

Recovery begins when survivors realize that the entire experience is manufactured by the psychological abuser. This tactic is done to keep the target off balance and addicted to the high moments.

Psychological abuse among peers can be widely missed under the guise that all friends challenge one another. We can get confused by whether a person is being honest or offensive.

Ага, Лейрих

Bonded relationships are not the goal in toxic families. Siblings often will be pitted against each other.

Ага, как меня и брата

Another carrot dangled is obligation. Some harmful families love to throw around all of their needs, and they have no regard for the survivor. The survivor is made to feel obligated to meet the demands (both spoken and unspoken) of the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths on their family tree. Obligation is a powerful driver when we are raised in environments that teach us to ignore our safety and well-being.

Я все время был должен своему отцу и бабушке

Abusers like to target people who have something they do not or cannot possess themselves. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are notorious for picking targets that initially boost their egos.

It is a source of power and entertainment for a toxic person to destroy an originally healthy and happy person. This point is often missed by survivors because in the middle of the abuse, they see themselves as broken. Since the abuser says such hateful things, the survivor assumes they were targeted because they are “weak.” That is the exact opposite of the truth.

When a survivor tries to talk to a psychological abuser about their negative behaviors, a favorite maneuver of toxic people is to simply not reply. They say nothing. Complete silence.

Так делала мама

Toxic people like to accuse survivors of being selfish. This is often done when a survivor attempts something good for himself or herself.

Привет, бабушка.

Rarely does a toxic person give an authentic apology. To do so would be too much evidence that they are just like everyone else and flawed. Their delusional, grandiose self-image must be protected. They fight to maintain the illusion that they are always correct.

Да, отец никогда не извинялся и подчеркивал, что он всегда прав.

One of the main allegations that narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths make against survivors is that they accuse survivors of being disrespectful. Why is this complaint so common for toxic people? It is because their grossly over-inflated egos make them believe that even the most minor correction, or disagreement, with the toxic person’s opinion is a huge sign of disrespect.

Обе бабушки и отец.

Personality disorders are created during childhood and adolescence through a lack of healthy attachments to their primary caregivers.

These attachments can be through extreme and repetitive over-indulgence where normal societal rules did not apply to the child and then as a teenager. It is the environment where caregivers chronically covered up for the youth. These individuals came to see others as only a source of making life easier for them. Having a one-sided relationship was the norm. The overindulged child and teenager learned that people are there not as a source of mutual enjoyment. Instead, they are to be used for their own gain.

Это прям цитаты из бабушки Лиды

Survivors new to recovery should know what the following terms mean in relationship to psychological abuse: Gaslighting Smear Campaign Flying Monkeys Narcissistic Offense Intermittent Reinforcement Idealize, Devalue, and Discard Phases

Realizing toxic people are not actually insecure is one of the hardest concepts for survivors because thinking toxic people struggle with insecurities is a form of justification for their bad behaviors. We may not want to admit it, but we soften when we think of someone struggling with self-doubt. It is just human nature. Rather than being insecure, psychological abusers are easily offended, consumed with themselves, and want things just their way.

When we decide that boundaries are needed, they can be hard to set – and maintain – if we doubt ourselves and our assessment of the situation. Survivors often wonder if they are overreacting or being too sensitive.

Psychological abusers use brainwashing techniques to embed certain ideas in their targets. Thoughts like: You’ll end up alone. This job is the only path to reach your career goals. This church is the only one God is really using in a dynamic way to do His will. Your family will always be there for you, but friends come and go.

Some of the common areas that many survivors see as needing restoration include: Enjoyment of holidays, vacations, and other celebrations. Financial stability: paying off debts and increasing savings. Restoration of physical health: enjoying consistent energy levels, reduction in body pain, and other ailments. Restoration of emotional well-being: living free – or significantly reduced levels – of anxiety, worry, and depression. Replacement of material items destroyed or stolen during the abuse.

At this stage in the process, some survivors are accused of being too rigid or guarded.