Mad Love

by Nick Spalding

Sadly, I am brought back into the room by the simple expedient of having a twitchy priest smack me on top of the head with a Bible. ‘Ow! What did you do that for?’ I complain. ‘I said you must now hold out the ring, Alan!’ I shake my head in disbelief. ‘My name is Adam.’ ‘Hold up the ring!’ Julian demands. ‘You!’ he says, addressing Jessica. ‘Please hold out your hand!’ Jessica does so. Here we go then. The moment of truth. ‘Do you, Alan—’ ‘Adam.’ ‘Do you, Adam, take this woman . . .’ There’s a pregnant pause. ‘Jessica,’ Jessica hisses under her breath. Julian looks flummoxed. ‘Is it? I thought it was Eileen?’ ‘No, definitely Jessica.’ Julian shrugs. ‘Oh well, whatever you say.’ He composes himself. ‘Do you, Alan—’ ‘Adam!!’ ‘Do you, Adam, take this woman, Jessica, to be your wife?’ I take a deep breath. ‘I do.’ ‘Goody goody gumdrops,’ Julian says with a broad grin. ‘And do you Eile – sorry, Jessica, take Al—’ ‘Adam!’ ‘Al . . . Adam, to be your husband?’ ‘I do,’ Jessica tells him – which is lovely, although there’s every chance she’s just agreed to be married to a man called Aladdin. ‘Goody goody goody gumdrops!’ Julian exclaims, and then talks over our heads. ‘It gives me the greatest of pleasure, in the sight of being under God, with all of ourselves here gathered, in love and much cherishment . . .’ That’s not even a fucking word. ‘. . . to now pronounce these two wonderful people husband and wife!’ The crowd erupts into spontaneous applause. Less because we’re now marri...