The Summer That Melted Everything

by Tiffany McDaniel

If looks were to be believed, he still was just a boy. Something of my age, though from his solemn quietude, I knew he was old in the soul. A boy whose black crayon would be the shortest in his box.

I am not the ruler of hell. I am merely its first and most famous sufferer turned custodian with the key to the gate in my back pocket.”

“You, Fedelia Spicer, are meant to be paradise. Look at the white hair there at your roots. As white as the head of the female shelduck. But these colors of the other women. They feather you away from paradise. You must let go of them.”

“People always ask, why does God allow suffering? Why does He allow a child to be beaten? A woman to cry? A holocaust to happen? A good dog to die painfully? Simple truth is, He wants to see for Himself what we’ll do. He’s stood up the candle, put the devil at the wick, and now He wants to see if we blow it out or let it burn down. God is suffering’s biggest spectator.

“No. You’re just a boy. A boy holds a gun but cannot fire it, even when he knows it is the right thing to do. A god would never hold the gun in the first place. So you’re a man-in-training. And on the day you are asked to hold the gun once more, you will have to decide whether to stay the child … or finally become the man.”

I did buy a rope. I did make a necklace on a porch one night. I did think of Sal as the stool wobbled. I did make the rope too long, as my toes landed on the porch floor and became the son who saved me, if only for that one, brief moment.

I had gone temporarily around the bend. Don’t we get to at least once in our lives? To go so mad, we survive what it is we are doing.

My mother’s lie was that our house could be enough. That its countries could keep her from feeling like she was missing out. What a housebound woman fears is not the knife in the kitchen drawer. It is the outside being better.

That’s the problem of broken things. The light dies in small ways, and the shadows—well, they always win big in the end.”

Every morning, I get up and think the sunrise might be beautiful. He’s looking at me and I know it’s not. Every night, I go to bed, thinking I may get some rest, but he’s looking at me and I know I won’t. The seasons may still exist, celebrations of life, but I don’t know, because he’s looking at me. Was that a joke you told? I can’t laugh, because he’s looking at me. With those gray, broken eyes saying, I loved you once. Maybe like a son. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me, Fielding?

“I’m no writer, but still I want to record my days. And books have given me all the words I need. I just go through and take the ones that belong to me for the day. I like having my life entwined with literature’s great tales. It makes me more—” She closed her eyes and found the word. “—significant.”

I looked at Dad’s face. His tears didn’t drop. Instead they stopped at his cheeks like they were taped there. I tried to remember, did someone come along with clear tape, and if so, when? Were they still around? Would they tape my tears? I wanted them to. I wanted my tears to be always stuck on my cheeks in that particular fall the way I knew they’d always be on Dad’s. In ten, twenty, the eternity of years, I knew the tears would still be there. This would be the reason I would never again be able to get close to my father. I’d never be able to make it past the tears.

Little spaces we got good at keeping. Sometimes we’d walk toward each other like it was hard, like we had water up to our waists and it was a fight to move through it.

“Funny it took a whole summer to get ice cream to a town in a heat wave.”

I didn’t understand how a boy could have so many tears, yet not have enough to put anything out.

“Yes,” she whispered as he held her in a rocking way. “Yes, what, love?” “The rain is just the gift I need.” She tilted her face to the drops, thinking of the small jar of water sitting in the study.