Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life

by Susan David

when we’re walking on eggshells in an unpredictable relationship, we can become stressed in ways that inhibit our ability to be creative, to be appropriately responsive, and to thrive.

But we also need to be mindful of how we expand and why—choosing breadth and depth in line with what truly matters to us instead of adding to them arbitrarily, simply because we can or because we feel pressure

people with low self-esteem tend to quit their jobs more often when their earnings increase over time. In their minds, it just doesn’t seem coherent to be appreciated and rewarded.

avoidance is the enemy of great.

When we say, “I don’t want to fail,” “I don’t want to embarrass myself,” “I don’t want to get hurt,” we’re expressing what I call dead people’s goals.

the only people who never feel hurt, vulnerable, mad, anxious, depressed, stressed, or any of the other uncomfortable emotions that come with taking on challenges are those who are no longer with us.

To stay truly alive, we need to choose courage over comfort so that we keep growing, climbing, and challenging ourselves, and that means not getting stuck thinking we’ve found heaven when we’re simply sitting on the nearest plateau.

Perhaps the best term to describe living at the edge of our ability, thriving and flourishing, being challenged but not overwhelmed, is simply “whelmed.”

deep intellectual curiosity

Those who broke through the plateau embraced challenge.

mastery is not so much a question of the time invested but the quality of the investment.

Quality investment requires “effortful learning,” a form of mindful practice that entails continually tackling challenges that lie just beyond our grasp.

What prevents new cell death—and in fact connects the neo-neurons into synapses and integrates them into the brain’s architecture and potential—are effortful learning experiences.

When you’re consciously unskilled or consciously skilled, you’re still within the zone of optimal development because you’re open to receiving more knowledge.

Stress is also pretty much a given if you want to do more in life than flip channels on the remote control.

The ultimate litmus test for any action should be this: Is it going to get me closer to being the person I want to be?

The workable choice is the one that’s appropriate for whatever short-term constraints you face, but that also brings you closer to the life you want to live over time.

Flourishing means expanding both the range of what you do and the depth or skill with which you do it. As for range, ask yourself, “What have I done lately that scares me? When was the last time I tried something and failed?” If you draw a blank, you’re probably playing it too safe. As for depth, when was the last time you felt vulnerable because you were investing your full passion and really laying it on the line, perhaps in creativity on the job, perhaps in a relationship? Do you truly know the people around you, or do you rely on small talk to limit anything deep and real? If you were going to die this evening, what would you most regret not having said?

a sign of being hooked is when your emotions drive you in ways that don’t align with your values.

Before a meeting, the emotionally agile leader might ask himself, “What is the (shared) goal of this meeting?” “How would I like my team members to be feeling when we adjourn?” “How will my feedback help them achieve their own objectives?”

It’s risky and scary to be the only one voicing a dissenting or unpopular opinion. But if you’re not willing to show up to the difficult feeling of being in the minority, you’ll never be heard.

Around the average workplace, stress seems to hang in oppressive clouds in the air above everyone’s cubicle. And much like secondhand smoke, secondhand stress can have a profound effect on everyone in its vicinity.

“stressed” is not who you are.

volunteering is an excellent way to change the boundaries of your job.

Emotional agility is the absence of pretense and performance, which gives your actions greater power because they emanate from your core values and core strength, something solid and genuine and real.