Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life

by Susan David

When I work with executives in groups, I often do an exercise that seems like a silly game for little kids but that has a surprisingly profound effect. I ask everyone to write on a sticky note the deepest fear they have about themselves, or any unsurfaced “subtext” they carry with them into their work, relationships, and lives: “I’m boring,” or “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m a fraud,” or “I’m a bad person.” Then I invite each executive to slap that sticky note onto his or her chest, and we put on some music and pretend we’re at a party. Everyone shakes everyone else’s hand, looks that person in the eye, and introduces himself or herself with “Hi, I’m boring. Nice to meet you,” or whatever they’ve written down. (By the way, “I’m boring” is my label. I was always “the boring one,” or so it seemed to me.) This is an enormously powerful experience. Afterward, the executives invariably tell me that the ugly “truth” they have stuck on themselves, the harsh evaluation that has had so much power over them, has been tamed. I get emails years later in which people tell me what a relief it is to be able to see a thought as just a thought. They’ve given their fear a name, and then are able to have had some fun at its expense. By doing so, they create more space to be themselves. They’ve stepped out. You can get a hint of this phenomenon simply by staring at the letters that spell your name. You’ve seen them so many times that you skip over multiple levels of representation and interpretatio...