Why We Broke Up

by Daniel Handler

I’m telling you why we broke up, Ed. I’m writing it in this letter, the whole truth of why it happened. And the truth is that I goddamn loved you so much.

I know you can’t see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you’ll understand it this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don’t love you anymore, of course I don’t, but still there’s something I can show you. You know I want to be a director, but you could never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up.

the thing with your heart’s desire is that your heart doesn’t even know what it desires until it turns up.

“Was Einstein gay?” “He had gay hair.”

But I want it anyway, Ed, I want what can’t possibly happen, and that is why we broke up.

“Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.”

before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that’s why we broke up.

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.”

Fucking coffee! Hell yeah!

I lost my virginity and couldn’t even do that right,