Weightless

by Kandi Steiner

It was the first time in my life I fully admitted to myself that I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy with who I was. Or how I looked. Or how I felt. Ever since I could remember, I depended on food for everything — comfort, celebration, mourning. And now that I had finally started to take control and do something about it, I didn’t feel support from anyone around me — save for Willow, who would likely be gone in just a few weeks. Even my trainer didn’t believe in me. It was like they all looked at me with pity in their eyes. Poor Natalie Poxton. But I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. If my life was to be a story, I wanted to take control of the pen. I wanted to change the paper, crumple up what had been written so far and start over. I just hoped I could actually do it. I wasn’t sure if I was still crying when the sun started to set, only that I didn’t care anymore. I let myself break as I shot the pink and purple streaks across the Carolina sky. I knew right then and there, on a warm Sunday evening with my feet sinking into the sand at the edge of the ocean, that this summer would be the hardest of my life. It would either change me for the better or shatter me completely. But maybe I needed to break, to fully fall to pieces, before I could ever truly be whole.

Thinness won't make you whole. Wasting your life trying to be smaller won't bring you joy. Acceptance can. Let's hope Natalie gets there. Somehow, I don't see it going that way.