Steadfast (True North, #2)

by Sarina Bowen

Vermont, we called November “stick season.” It was a dark month after all the fall color had faded from the trees. The sun went down every day at 4:30, and we didn’t yet have the clean white snow to hide all our sins.

trying to fill an empty spot in my soul. But it never went away.

At rehab they always said: “Move a muscle, change a thought.”

Air out my whole goddamned life.

If he were actually here, I’d know it. I’d feel it deep inside, the way the bass line of a good song vibrates through your chest.

But even a glimpse of him had given me palpitations. As if my subconscious had recognized a piece of my soul before my brain got a chance to speak up.

What’s the use of having the sort of tattooed boyfriend who keeps fathers up at night if he won’t even get rid of her damned virginity for her?

his touch is reverent…

Mine, his hand says when he palms her lower back.

She reached over and squeezed my shoulder. What she didn’t do was spout any wisdom. May was as solid as they came.

Candles lit the enormous table, where most everyone was already seated.

“I’m glad to hear you say that. Because if you didn’t like apple pie, I’m not sure we could be friends.” I barked out a laugh. “That’s not a very Christian attitude, father. What would Jesus say?” “He’d say, ‘more for me.’

flashed me his happy trail and I got into his car. One wondered why my father didn’t trust me.

just remembering the way he whispered in my ear after sliding into me for the first time. “Now you’re really mine.”

“Even the grimmest lives have moments of beauty,” I’d heard an addict say once. “Don’t miss ’em.”

it only confirmed what I already knew—she tasted like the sweetest gift I’d ever been given.

tasted like the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Note to self: do not engage. That way lies the abyss.

My bag of crazy sneezes at yours,

felt lightheaded from all the laughter and more than a little crazy. But alive. That was the effect Jude had always had on me. He made the world a weirder, rowdier, more unpredictable place.

It used to be this easy between us. When Jude and I were alone together, the rest of the world didn’t exist.

At least for now, I felt better than I had in a long time. If I’d learned one thing in recovery, it was to appreciate the easy minutes.

whispers all the sweet, lovesick things he can think of. And every one of them is true.

my statistics course was no picnic, either.

record-breaking coffee consumption.

blissfully ignorant of the fact that your family and then your life can fall to pieces when you’re only nineteen.

Decorative candle-style lights lit the windows of many of the old wooden houses I passed. That was a thing in Vermont. We left them up all winter,

In music, the silence in between the songs can be as affecting as the most powerful crescendo.

These days I was more patient with bodywork. I liked the idea that rough patches could be sanded out and that bumps could be smoothed again. If not in my life, than on a car.

“The goal of meditation is not to make you all into superhumans. The goal is to remind your brain that focus is a choice.

That a place of calm is always waiting for you if you seek it.”

The Suboxone was some serious juju. And it was totally fucking odd to be suddenly transported to a state of sobriety even though I knew all too well the sensation of quickly getting high.

The priest smiled at me. “Maybe you weren’t always good for her. But it’s not a fatal condition. St. Augustine said it best—‘It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.’”

No matter how many hours I’d spent trying to convince my heart that Sophie was off limits, my body always fought back. Mine

The first time I ever heard her sing we were really just kids. Right away I’d wanted to

be a man for her—to take good care of all that beauty.

Love you, thudded my heart against his. Likewise, his replied.

“I know. Now show me your thing.” “Really baby? Right here?” He made a show of reaching for his zipper. “Jude!”

He stood behind me and put his chin on my shoulder. “Nothing would make me happier than to make a home for you.”

It’s all about the company I keep. Not the venue.”