Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

by Jenny Lawson

I’m dangerously lactose intolerant and I’m always afraid there will be some sort of cream hidden in there that will send me to the hospital, but what sucks is that the waiters keep walking around asking you over and over if you want a canapé now even though I just said two minutes ago that I couldn’t eat them, and now it’s like they’re just taunting me with food I can’t have. I recently fixed that problem though because I realized that the secret to not having to continually say no to delicious food is to loudly say, “No. Sorry, I can’t eat that BECAUSE DIARRHEA.” It’s jarring for the people around you, but I’ve found that most waiters continually ask if you want food not because they really want you to eat, but because they’ve zoned out or are high (I’m basing that on my personal experience in food service so stop judging me. Unless you’re judging me for being high, in which case, fair game) and they’ve already forgotten who said no. But no one forgets diarrhea. “BECAUSE DIARRHEA” will make all the waiters perk up and avoid you completely. So will a lot of the people at dinner parties, but those are the risks of diarrhea.