History Is All You Left Me

by Adam Silvera

You’re still alive in alternate universes, Theo,

“I think I might be crazy,” I spit out while he says, “I like you.”

I have all this history with you, Theo, but he has pieces of your puzzle that would destroy me if I ever had to put them together, and yet I still want them.

But we all have mad love for Theo, and history is how we get to keep him.”

Theo, he broke me in a way everyone should be lucky to be cracked open at least once. I had the privilege of being destroyed by him until we found a better, real me inside of the person I was pretending to be. I hope I make him proud.”

“You look really good in green,” Theo says. “Keep it.”

I lunge at the bastard—I

“Thanks for giving me a shot. I see now why Theo never shut up about you.”

“Are you good?” “Of course not.” “Same here.”

He’s a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. And he knows it.

The world should stop lying to kids because they’re always brutally honest with us.

Considering the week and year and month and life I’ve been having, I’m stupid to think I’d even be lucky with the small things.

Jackson stops walking. “You know I don’t hate you either, right?”

“Well, I hated your history with Theo, too,” Jackson confesses.

I hug the hell out of him. I hug him for him, because he knows firsthand how love and heartbreak can turn someone crazy and suspicious. I hug him for you, so you’ll be proud of me for doing the right thing instead of turning my back on him like I did the other night.

“We’re finally doing something right,” I say, taking a step away from him.

“I can’t impose on Theo’s family anymore. They need their space,” Jackson says. “Stay with us,” I counter. “It’s not like you have school to worry about.” “I’m not sure your father would be cool with that,” Jackson says. “He will be. I’m sorry he was a dick to you. He was just being overly loyal to me.” Unlike my mom, who wasn’t being loyal enough. But she’s in the right. I know that.

“You’re the only person who gets what I’m going through, what we’re going through. Theo’s family is grieving harder than us, no contest. But we lost him too, and I feel like people are surprised that I haven’t just moved on already. I don’t know if that’s the same for you. I don’t really care about those people anyway. I have zero intention to forget about Theo, ever. If some genie popped up and was like, ‘Hey, you want to use one of your

wishes to forget Theo ever existed and cure your heartbreak?’ I would probably make two wishes and then kick the genie in his nuts for saying something that stupid.”

“I think we can help each other through this, and, even better than that, I think we can legit help each other heal. You game?”

the only thing he’s ever stolen from me is you,

Then the floodgates open, and Dad lets me have it: I was wrong to encourage Jackson to skip his flight; I was wrong to invite Jackson to camp out in my room, especially without talking to him and Mom first; I was wrong to be at the park late last night, especially when fewer police are patrolling this season (I have no idea where that fact comes from, but whatever); I was wrong, and am wrong, to act so irrationally.

You’re dead, and I’m the worst kind of alive.

“You still watching this?” I ask. “Not really,” Jackson says. “Because it’s garbage?” “I have Theo on the mind,” Jackson says. “I was going to ask. Did I say something earlier?”

This clip means my favorite human loves me.

These two are I’m-forgetting-I’m-gay stunning.

This isn’t some competition about who gets to be more upset.”

“And now that I can turn to Wade, I don’t. I think we’re pushing people away because if we can’t have Theo, we don’t want anyone else.”

Jackson’s hand rests on top of mine, hesitantly. I don’t pull away, and his hand expands, holding mine.

“What’s going on . . . Griffin, please tell me that you’re not in California,”

There’s an alternate universe where we’re a crew of three, so tight and unbreakable we don’t need a fourth to even it out for me.

I don’t know what will be left of me if love and grief can’t bring you back to life.

“I don’t even know the spot where it happened, Griffin,” he manages, his voice strained. “When accidents happen, people know where to leave flowers, but not me. Everything happened so quickly. All I know is the lifeguards weren’t close enough. And I, I . . . I wasn’t fast enough.”

It isn’t Jackson’s fault.

You taught him something personal to me. You taught him a routine I had with my parents as a kid. You taught him something I never thought I would share with anyone else until you came along. You taught him a kiss I personally created for us when I grew up needing a fourth.

People are complicated puzzles, always trying to piece together a complete picture, but sometimes we get it wrong and sometimes we’re left unfinished. Sometimes that’s for the best. Some pieces can’t be forced into a puzzle, or at least they shouldn’t be, because they won’t make sense.

I grab Jackson by the back of his neck and kiss him—not a butterfly kiss, not a caveman kiss, not an Eskimo kiss, not a zombie kiss—a straight-up kiss where my tongue finds its way into his mouth and his massages mine back.

You used our love against me. Now I’m using your love against you.

History is nothing. It can be recycled or thrown away completely. It isn’t this sacred treasure chest I mistook it to be. We were something, but history isn’t enough to keep something alive forever. You’re not the best friend and love of my life I’ve spent this past month mourning, and missing long before that. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Jackson may not have saved Theo, but I’m the one who killed him.

“Some people know a lot about a little, others know a little about a lot.”

Focusing on Theo these past few years has prevented me from truly appreciating Wade’s role in my life. He’s not just some third wheel who claims to be psychic. He doesn’t just say the wrong thing at the wrong times. He’s a capital p Person who speaks the truth and looks out for everyone’s future, sometimes before his own.

I have to be careful with him. Wade is a Person and I don’t want to play with his head the way Theo has played with mine. Believing in hope hasn’t gotten me far, and I don’t want it to hold Wade back either.

Sometimes this universe feels like an alternate, but maybe you already knew that.

“I have to ask,” Wade says, and then asks nothing for a stretch of time. “You and Jackson . . . ?” He spits the words out and closes his eyes like he’s behind the wheel of a car that’s flying off a cliff. “Are you and Jackson together or something?

I’m not interrupting the happiness of a girl who’s been missing her older brother,

I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to myself.

ocean . . . I killed the person I’ve loved more than anyone because I was trying to tell him about my new feelings for our best friend . . .” Wade doesn’t wait until I’m finished before he hugs me, massaging my back. “There’s no way this is your fault. There are one hundred things that could’ve gone wrong. Damn, dude, I didn’t know you were carrying around this guilt.” He pulls back.

Six. Five . . . Wade does the same, knowing he’s about to need his hands, too. Four. Three . . . I’m getting ready to reintroduce him to the world. Two. One . . . My heart is out of control, but I’m not as I pull Wade to me, kissing him with the force of everything happy. A lot of that unexpected happiness is thanks to him. Once my parents pull apart from their own kiss, they’ll be expecting to embrace me, and they’ll find me in arms they were never betting on finding me in. I stay in Wade’s arms because “Auld Lang Syne” comes on,

But the only thing funny so far is that Wade threatened Jackson, warning him to stay ten feet away from my dick at all times or Wade will chop his off.