The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids

by Jessica Joelle Alexander

Happy kids grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids, and so on.

Sometimes we forget that parenting, like love, is a verb.

But true happiness isn’t coming only from a good education.

A child who learns to cope with stress, makes friends, and yet is realistic about the world has a set of life skills that are very different from being a math genius, for example.

They believe that children fundamentally need space and trust to allow them to master things by themselves, to make and solve their own problems. This creates genuine self-esteem and self-reliance because it comes from the child’s own internal cheerleader, not from someone else.

If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic feelings, good or bad, and act in a way that’s consistent with their values, the challenges and rough patches in life won’t topple them.

Emotional honesty, not perfection, is what children truly need from their parents.

Focusing on the task, rather than overcomplimenting the child, is a much more Danish approach. This helps to focus on the work involved, but it also teaches humility. Helping children build on the feeling of being able to master a skill rather than already being a master provides a more solid foundation to stand on and grow from. This promotes inner strength and resilience.

So not only does reframing change our brain chemistry, but it helps how we interpret pain, fear, anxiety, and the like. And this reframing is directly related to the language we use—both out loud and in our head.

Reframing with children is about the adult helping the child to shift focus from what she thinks she can’t do to what she can do. The adult helps the child see situations from different angles and gets her to focus on the less negative outcomes or conclusions. With practice, this can become a default setting—for both parent and child.

The language we use is extremely powerful. It is the frame through which we perceive and describe ourselves and our picture of the world.

The more we can separate the behavior from the child, the more we can change how we see her and, thus, how she sees herself. This lets her know that she is OK and that the behavior is not her destiny. Labels, as we have seen, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Once a child finds a better story line, try to repeat it so it sticks. But the solution should ultimately come from the child herself. This builds real self-esteem because she becomes the master of her own emotional responses. She isn’t told how to feel and act. If we hold on to the good in people, to separate actions from the person, we teach our children that we forgive them when they themselves misbehave.

You acknowledge reality, but you can still eliminate the unnecessary negative words and focus on the good feelings rather than the bad through humor or focus on another time of feeling good. If you choose to look at the positive aspects of any child’s behavior, you are giving him the tools to deal with his uniqueness. It’s all in the way you frame it. And practice makes perfect!

Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the feelings of others. It is the ability to feel what someone else feels—not only to feel for him but to feel with him. Simply put, it’s walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.

Empathy and forgiveness activate the same region of the brain, which means the more you hone your empathy skills, the easier it is to forgive and be forgiven.

Research shows that one of the top predictors of well-being and happiness is quality time with friends and family.