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February 11 - February 15, 2023
Is it possible that we are making our kids anxious without realizing it by not allowing them to play more?
Free play teaches children to be less anxious.
The ability to “bounce back,” regulate emotions, and cope with stress is a key trait in a healthy, functioning adult. We now know that resilience is great for preventing anxiety and depression, and it’s something the Danes have been instilling in their children for years. And one of the ways they have done it is by placing a lot of importance on play.
As they see it, if children are always performing in order to obtain something—good
good grades, awards, or praise from teachers or parents—then they don’t get to develop their inner drive.
In Denmark, parents try not to intervene unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Resilience isn’t cultivated by avoiding stress, you see, but by learning how to tame and master it.
The more they play, the more resilient and socially adept they will become.
Avoid intervening too quickly
Emotional honesty, not perfection, is what children truly need from their parents.
Pushing your own or others’ dreams onto your kids, rather than listening carefully to their desires and respecting their unique pace of growth and development, is another pitfall.
For example, if a Danish child scribbles a drawing very quickly and gives it to her parent, the parent probably wouldn’t say, “Wow! Great job! You are such a good artist!” She is more likely to ask about the drawing itself. “What is it?” “What were you thinking about when you drew this?” “Why did you use those colors?” Or perhaps she would just say thank you if it was a gift.
Helping children build on the feeling of being able to master a skill rather than already being a master provides a more solid foundation to stand on and grow from. This promotes inner strength and resilience.
effort or “process” praise—praise for engagement, perseverance, strategies, improvement, and so on—fosters motivation and resilience. It highlights for kids what they’ve done to be successful and what they need to do to be successful in the future.
If you confront your kids accusingly with anger or threats and are punitive when they misbehave, they might become afraid to tell the truth. If you make it safe for them, they will be honest. Remember, it takes a lot to confess or tell the truth for anyone at any age. It doesn’t always come naturally. It’s up to us to teach them to be courageous enough to be honest and vulnerable and confess when necessary. Be nonjudgmental. This kind of honest relationship, if fostered well, will be paramount during the teenage years.
Don’t overuse praise for things that are too easy. This can teach your child that he is only praiseworthy when he completes a task quickly, easily, and perfectly, and that does not help him embrace challenges.
“realistic optimists.”
Being in touch with reality but focusing on the more positive angles is much more in line with being a realistic optimist. Realistic optimists merely filter out unnecessary negative information.
“More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds and who fails.
Our language is a choice, you see, and it’s crucial because it forms the frame through which we see the world.
So much of what we think about ourselves as adults comes from the labeling we were given as children—lazy, sensitive, selfish, stupid, smart.
Saying so nonchalantly that children have a psychological or neurological disorder as if they are hungry or cold is very serious.
We, as adults, are the guides to pointing out a more positive and loving story line for them too.
Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the feelings of others. It is the ability to feel what someone else feels—not only to feel for him but to feel with him. Simply put, it’s walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.
The characteristics of narcissists are such that people focus on themselves so much that they lose focus on caring about other people’s needs.
“We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated society in the world.” It makes us ask the question: What if we tried a little more vulnerability and empathy instead of shaming others? What if we stopped aiming for a perfection that doesn’t exist? What if we tried to be more connected?
Children from overprotective families are often the ones who grow up more prone to narcissism, anxiety, and depression. They aren’t allowed to self-regulate because of the mismatch between feeling and action.
Studies show that there is a huge learning curve in teaching others. Students who teach others work harder to understand the material, recall it more precisely, and use it more effectively. But they also have to try to understand the perspective of other students in order to help them where they are having trouble. The ability to explain complicated subject matter to another student is not an easy task, but it is an invaluable life skill.
Perhaps, then, it is no surprise that empathy is one of the single most important factors in making successful leaders, entrepreneurs, managers, and businesses.
One of the pillars in the Danish way of teaching empathy is not judging.
And remember, by fostering a more empathic, less shaming, and more vulnerable, authentic style in your household, you will be helping your children to grow up to be less judgmental of others—including of you—in the long run.
Surround yourself with friends and family who want to practice empathy and kindness. New mothers and parents are the ones who can benefit enormously from this support.
Authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian): These parents are demanding but responsive. They set high standards as well but are supportive in their discipline. Children of authoritative parents are rated more socially and intellectually competent than those of other parents.
In English it is called the “terrible twos,” whereas in Danish it is called trodsalder
(the “boundary age”); children pushing boundaries is normal and welcomed, not annoying and terrible. When you see it that way, it is easier to welcome the misbehavior rather than seeing it as bad and deserving of punishment.
I think we must remain calm as parents and try not to lose control of ourselves. For how can we expect our kids to control themselves if we can’t do it? That seems unfair.”
The Danes want their children to be respectful, but respect goes both ways. You have to give it to receive it. Governing with fear is a problem because it doesn’t foster respect; it fosters fear. There is a difference between firmness and fear.
you won’t know if your child is being honest with you in the future if she is afraid of you. She may tell you what she thinks you want to hear out of fear. Fear is powerful but not conducive to an atmosphere of closeness and trust.
This is important because, as we have seen in the previous chapters, how you choose to see children makes a big difference in your reaction to them. If you see them as naughty and manipulative, you will react accordingly. If you see them as innocent and doing exactly what they are programmed to do, you are much more likely to react by nurturing and forgiving
Patience is much more easily summoned when one sees the harmless intentions and goodness in an otherwise annoying child. This is a cycle that comes back to you. Good begets good. Calm begets calm. Remember, it isn’t the child who is bad; it is the action that is bad. It is always important to make that distinction.
Think of the things you most dislike hearing in yourself and then put a mirror up. That is what you will get from your child. If you don’t like the yelling and the hands going up in exasperation, don’t do it. If you don’t like physicality, don’t do it.
Stop Worrying About What Others Think Stop
worrying about what others think of you or your child’s behavior. Yelling and physicality often get ratcheted up by the added stress of someone watching you. Whether you are at a friend’s house or with your family or out in a restaurant or shop, keep your behavior in line with your values. It’s about being authentic and behaving in accordance with what you believe. Don’t worry about how others raise their kids or how your family thinks you should raise yours. Focus on doing what is right for your children, and believe in that success.
If it becomes too much of a power game, everyone loses and life becomes more unpleasant than it needs to be. If you stay cool, so will they.
Children are supposed to push boundaries and test the rules. They are not bad and manipulative. This is how they grow.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of your child’s mood. Everyone has a bad day sometimes, even kids. By not stressing over it, you draw less attention to it and you remain more respectful of her ability to self-regulate.
Feeling connected to others gives meaning and purpose to our lives.
When You Substitute “We” for “I,” Even “Illness” Becomes “Wellness”
enjoy the most important, meaningful moments of our lives—those with our children and family and friends—and respecting them as important. It is keeping them simple, making the atmosphere positive, and leaving our troubles behind. It is wanting to be there in those moments, choosing to be there, and helping contribute to having a cozy time.
Use fewer toys, TVs, iPhones, and iPads. These should be avoided in gatherings so the kids, too, can be more present together. Play games instead.
