It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

by Mark Wolynn

One of your parents mistreated the other. If

You were your mother’s confidant. As a child, you attempted to satisfy your mother’s unmet needs and supply her with what she felt she couldn’t get from your father. Later on, you might experience difficulty committing in a relationship. You might shut down emotionally or physically, fearing that your partner, like your mother, will want or need too much from you.

What lurked behind the façade of independence was simply an association between getting close and getting hurt. This imprint became a blueprint for much of his adult life. Fearing rejection and loss, he went to extreme measures to avoid the very connections he secretly craved. For John-Paul, taking risks was not an option. The wrong risk could mean that he would once again “lose everything.”

Each time you inhale, allow the good feelings to expand in your body. Each time you exhale, allow any residue of fear to dissipate on your outbreath.

You recognize the familiar thoughts, images, and sensations inside you. You acknowledge that the old fear has become activated. You take an action to unhinge from the spiraling feelings. The action you take is important. You might start by telling yourself: “These are not my feelings. I have merely inherited them from my family.” Sometimes, acknowledging this is enough.

You might also consider placing your hand on your body where you notice the old feelings and breathe deeply, allowing your exhale to lengthen inside you. As you do this, you might even ask yourself: What new thing am I noticing in my body at this very moment? When you direct your focus and your breath into your body and feel the sensations that reside there, without letting yourself become triggered by them, you can shift your inner experience.

The traumas we deal with may be challenging, but they also give us a pathway for growth.

Generally, we don’t become great without surmounting something great.

Our amygdala locks onto negative thoughts and feelings, believing that by doing so, it’s protecting us from harm.