Running in Circles: A Memoir

by Eva Yin

Being a heroin addict is like running in circles. You run and you run and you end up exactly where you started.

is a painkiller but it doesn’t only work for physical pain, it distances you from emotions too. You can still feel sad but the euphoria makes it easier to bear. You can watch your feelings with the detachment of an observer, like you’re floating above them on some cloud.

junkies always chase that moment because in that moment you lose yourself. Your problems fade away along with everything else because there’s no longer a self to deal with them.

As long as you’re running, you’re never free — you’ve become a slave to your fear.

It was a losing battle. I couldn’t win because every time you run away from something, you are admitting that it is more powerful than you — I was running away from pain but all the time it was becoming more powerful, dictating my actions, gaining more control. Thus I had been running faster and faster in circles yet getting nowhere.

For all of us running in circles, may we lift our tear-streaked faces to the sky and learn to take a step without feet.