More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

Balancing the need for disclosure with a reasonable expectation of privacy is not always easy. There is no bright line where one stops and the other starts. Rules that mandate either disclosure or secrecy can make sense. For example, communication about sexual boundaries and sexual health is necessary to give informed consent, and a rule that text messages will be kept private protects the intimacy and trust of partners. But it can be easy to go to extremes and create rules that violate someone’s right to privacy or consent. For example, as mentioned in the previous chapter, under “Sudden left turns,” someone once emailed Franklin to say her husband wanted to see every single communication, such as texts and emails, between her and her boyfriend. Most of us would probably agree this is a serious violation of her boyfriend’s privacy; it is difficult for intimacy to grow under the eye of an outside observer. We all need private spaces if we are to reveal to a lover the deepest parts of ourselves, the furthest corners of our hearts, and (especially!) the wounded and vulnerable places within ourselves. Compulsory sharing is always a bit suspect. When others demand that we reveal ourselves, intimacy is undermined rather than strengthened, because something that is demanded cannot be shared freely as a gift. Intimacy is built by mutually consensual sharing, not by demands. At the other extreme, some people insist on knowing absolutely nothing about a partner’s other lovers. Not ...