More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

A rule is made to solve a problem or meet a need. However, making rules can quickly become complicated, because it’s very easy to confuse needs with feelings. A person who says, “I don’t ever want you to spend the night with another lover” might think the rule serves a need, such as “I need to wake up with you in the morning.” But if we examine that need, it may come down to “I feel lonely if I wake up by myself.” The rule is meant to prevent triggering a negative feeling, in this case a feeling of loneliness. The actual issue—“I feel lonely when I wake up alone”—is not being directly addressed. Leading with the need (“How can we help make sure I understand how I am valued by you?”), rather than the action, opens the door to finding ways to solve the problem without imposing rules.