When we try to use a relationship with a new partner as a balm to soothe our own fear or jealousy, we are, in effect, using them. Treating a relationship as a tool for dealing with our own fears is a covert way of treating people as things. Expecting metamours always to enjoy each other's company—or to screen potential partners based on how well they fit into an existing network—can also create a pocket veto, discussed in chapter 12. We've seen situations where someone who felt threatened by the idea of her partner having other lovers simply found fault with anyone her partner was considering.
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