Many people in the polyamorous community say that comparisons are poisonous to poly relationships. “Don’t compare one lover to another,” they say. “If you do that, you’ll breed insecurity.” We’d like to suggest, perhaps counterintuitively, this is not necessarily so. Some comparisons are damaging. “Raj is better in bed than Franco is,” for example, or perhaps “Bridget is hotter than Zoe.” But there’s a different kind of comparison, and that is noticing differences in a way that helps you remain aware of what makes everyone unique. That kind of comparison, which is more about treasuring the
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