Parsnips, Buttered: How to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

by Joe Lycett

lovely pictures of Donald Trump were on display on the walls. It is such a testament to him that he has achieved so much and gained so many votes when he looks like a Lego head that has been put into a microwave.

one of the single most important things I have discovered about gift-giving – it is predominantly about making the other person feel awkward and bad. There is nothing worse than the crippling guilt of receiving a Christmas present from someone you haven’t got anything for.

What do you think this is, a self-help book? Piss off.

I left the matter to one side for a while as I was busy experimenting to see if olive oil is relaxing to bathe in. I can confirm it is, but getting out of the tub is farcical and incredibly dangerous.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

P.S. Your name for ‘spring onions’ is ‘salad onions’. Why? Literally no one calls them this. Anyway, I found them for a pound cheaper in Aldi and it gave me a real salad in my step.

As I said, the journalists at the tabloids are shrewd operators and Graham’s clearly one of the shrewdest. He might actually be a shrew.

much prefer Petits Filous, even though there ist no spoon das fits auf das pot. Auf wiedersehen,

I wondered what would happen if you had an accident whilst working at the law firm that specialises in suing for accidents.

I have not yet come across an existing book that can help novices learn how to become football fans – this is probably because I have not looked.