Parsnips, Buttered: How to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

by Joe Lycett

LIFE HACK #284: Recreate Glastonbury Festival at home by draining your iPhone battery and pissing yourself in the garden.

LIFE HACK #294: Add energy to a dinner party by saying ‘what do we think about Brexit’ before opening a shoebox filled with wasps.

Other songs in the production will include a cover of ‘All That Jazz’ retitled to ‘All That Jizz’ and a gay cover of ‘Come On Eileen’, changed to ‘Come on David’. We will also be serving a selection of Gay foods in the interval, including Lemon Jizzle Cake and Corn on the Knob.

Although you struggle speaking to humans without them dying of boredom, so I doubt you’re going to be much more impressive to a chaffinch.

Thinking you’ve had an authentic German experience by eating a sausage at the German Christmas market is like thinking you’re the King when you’ve shagged a waxwork of the Queen.

Ghost stories almost never start mid-afternoon on a Tuesday in a well-lit branch of TK Maxx.

If they’re married, why not subscribe them to a light pornographic magazine or indulge in a hardcore publication for extra awkwardness? If they’re a homophobic alpha male a six-month subscription to Gay Times should do the trick.