Parsnips, Buttered: How to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

by Joe Lycett

LIFE HACK #294: Add energy to a dinner party by saying ‘what do we think about Brexit’ before opening a shoebox filled with wasps.

I’ve never had a credit card because I can’t be trusted not to get drunk and buy all the yoghurts in a 24-hour Tesco for a laugh,

I am a largely calm and untroubled man; as long as there is halloumi and high-quality ketamine available I don’t want for much.

I thought The Law was there mainly to stop people from taking drugs and ensure wealthy people retain their grip on power, but apparently it’s also designed to spoil my fun.

The punishment for homosexuality in these countries is oft jail, the logic of which I have never understood. ‘Oh you like men? We’ll put you in a box with some.’ Not exactly a punishment, lads! I thought they stoned homosexuals to death out there but I’ve since discovered those deaths are merely because gays can’t catch.

Unfortunately, despite my clear influence in the American Presidential race, Donald Trump slipped through my net and remained a key player. Essentially, what I’m trying to say is this: if you’re American, I tried, but you’re fucked.

I think it is either some sort of bacterial infection of the urethra or an illegal insurance policy that some financial institutions offered up years back, thinking they’d get away with it. Either way, it’s a real pain in the dick.

‘Where there’s money, there’s a dickhead’,

I left the matter to one side for a while as I was busy experimenting to see if olive oil is relaxing to bathe in. I can confirm it is, but getting out of the tub is farcical and incredibly dangerous.

‘What did I have for lunch today, you ask? Half a pigeon, which I captured with my fists.

on occasion the gigs I’ve performed at can’t reasonably be described as ‘venues’, more ‘a space that the council would consider unfit for human inhabitants’.

Sometimes the self-service is no quicker than the normal checkout. Follow your own path.

Sometimes the satnav hasn’t updated yet and takes you down a road that doesn’t exist any more. Follow your own path.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

5. The Bakerloo line is the colour of poo and thus I would like it changed to the Bakerpoo line for clarity.

Sadly ‘hopefully’ doth butter no parsnips.

I think it was the great William Wordsworth who pronounced: ‘Where there’s blame, there’s a claim.’