Parsnips, Buttered: How to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

by Joe Lycett

LIFE HACK #294: Add energy to a dinner party by saying ‘what do we think about Brexit’ before opening a shoebox filled with wasps.

I have been a mischief for pretty much my entire life.

I am a largely calm and untroubled man; as long as there is halloumi and high-quality ketamine available I don’t want for much.

My most frequently used alias – Paul is a solicitor with no knowledge of law and a keen eye for a news story.

There was a moment when he got about halfway down the garden and encountered the cat, Button – both stood their ground and there was a five-minute impasse which only ended when someone coughed in a garden five houses down and The Fox sprinted away as if he were being attacked by the full US military.

Once this book is in print, I want to contact a lawyer as The Fox and see if I can sue myself for defamation.

I’m not suggesting eradicating people like him entirely, merely gathering them all up and putting them somewhere that they can’t do any more damage. Like in an active volcano, or the sea.

After some considerations (exactly three thoughts) and some serious panicking, I got her a £20 gift voucher for Next, a £20 voucher for HMV and a box of £7.99 Classic Collection Thornton chocolates. I pocketed the other £2.01 and I have no regrets. Debbie cried, which I take as a victory. She’s probably dead now,

So, if you make a misjudged comment about my outfit on a night out: expect to receive a beautiful Pandora bracelet with a passive-aggressive ‘Elephants Never Forget’ charm. Consistently ignore my texts? You’ll soon be accepting a Fortnum & Mason hamper with a hand-painted Christmas card. Don’t congratulate me on my new hair? Expect some anthrax.

Two topless sweaty men touching each other’s faces. That’s gay.

Rail fares should not represent the length of the journey but the quality of the destination. For example, a trip to beautiful rural Yorkshire might cost you £40, whereas a trip to Milton Keynes should cost 40p. People should be completely reimbursed for all travel if they chose to leave Coventry.

God, you’re such a little square, sitting at home reading a book. You should get out more.

They can hand out a parking fine as fast as it takes to affix it to your windscreen but anything meaningful takes an arduous stretch of time. They’re like Venus flytraps, in that they don’t do anything for ages and then eat an insect for nutrition when you originally asked them about bins.

Sudden death This is a last resort used when all other ways of deciding the winning team have been exhausted. First there is extra time, then penalties, and then finally sudden death. The players wait in an office until one of them dies, thus crowning the other team as the winners.