Parsnips, Buttered: How to baffle, bamboozle and boycott your way through modern life

by Joe Lycett

LIFE HACK #294: Add energy to a dinner party by saying ‘what do we think about Brexit’ before opening a shoebox filled with wasps.

I have been a mischief for pretty much my entire life. I’ve found that it actually is one of the most consistently effective ways to respond to the ridiculous rules and regulations that are so prevalent in modern living.

I’ve never had a credit card because I can’t be trusted not to get drunk and buy all the yoghurts in a 24-hour Tesco for a laugh,

.@Uber My driver just farted. FIVE STARS.

I am a largely calm and untroubled man; as long as there is halloumi and high-quality ketamine available I don’t want for much.

I thought The Law was there mainly to stop people from taking drugs and ensure wealthy people retain their grip on power, but apparently it’s also designed to spoil my fun.

The punishment for homosexuality in these countries is oft jail, the logic of which I have never understood. ‘Oh you like men? We’ll put you in a box with some.’ Not exactly a punishment, lads! I thought they stoned homosexuals to death out there but I’ve since discovered those deaths are merely because gays can’t catch.

Essentially, what I’m trying to say is this: if you’re American, I tried, but you’re fucked.

I left the matter to one side for a while as I was busy experimenting to see if olive oil is relaxing to bathe in. I can confirm it is, but getting out of the tub is farcical and incredibly dangerous.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

The Bakerloo line is the colour of poo and thus I would like it changed to the Bakerpoo line for clarity.

P.S. Your name for ‘spring onions’ is ‘salad onions’. Why? Literally no one calls them this. Anyway, I found them for a pound cheaper in Aldi and it gave me a real salad in my step.

A time when I had smooth skin and hope in my eyes. Now, I look more like a bag of out-of-date yoghurt that’s been left in a van.

However, I will be judged merely by your human laws whereas you will be judged at the gates of hell.’

Sadly ‘hopefully’ doth butter no parsnips.

When you ‘assume’ you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.