The most honest attitude to take, after all, was to do away with oneself; I had to admit this, and I admired those who committed suicide for metaphysical reasons; yet I had no intention of resorting to suicide myself: I was far too afraid of death. When I was alone in the house, I would sometimes have to fight against my fear as I had done at the age of fifteen; trembling, with clammy hands, and feeling utterly distraught, I would cry: ‘I don’t want to die! ‘
