The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

The three elements that form the triangle of well-being work together to build, drive, create, and regulate our functioning and performance. What are the three? They are our brain/body (the physical), our relational connections, and our minds, which regulate the energy and information needed to live and perform.

get to the next level of performance, you certainly do have to think differently, but to think differently, you have to have a different mind, and your brain has to fire differently. To develop these differences in your mind and brain, the equipment in which thoughts and feelings and behaviors are embodied, you need to connect in ways that rewire you.

getting better is not about just ‘willing’ better performance. It’s about becoming someone who performs better, and performs differently. It’s about changing the equipment.”

Imagine not trying to control your reactions or feelings of stress, but actually not reacting, actually not feeling stressed by what stresses you now.

Whatever we hope to achieve, our success depends on relationships with others. Without the help of others or with negative dynamics from destructive others, we will usually fail. There is no standing still. We are either thriving in relational energy and growth or we are going backward, slowly or quickly.

many CEOs I have worked with who were the higher-performing sibling who learned early to make up for what others weren’t doing. Early in life, they became the persons others depended on, not the ones who depended upon others. But when they continue that style of interaction in the executive suite, in a marriage, or in other significant relationships that must thrive on mutual interdependency, it creates problems for them. They are always putting out, performing for others, getting it done, and yet rarely ever taking in what they need from the outside world.

this says so much ABOUT me

It’s that moment when one fighter is back on his or her heels, fending off blows rather than delivering them, no longer in control. The sight of a person, especially a leader, focused on getting someone’s approval, on performing better in order to be good enough or to “make it” in some way, has the same look and feel. Other people recognize that you are back on your heels, taking punches instead of throwing them.

True performance is an expression, not a request to be liked or praised. Usually, when someone needs approval, there’s less to approve of.

true self is who you really are, and the false self is the mask that we put on to protect ourselves.

Humble yourself. Head to Corner Four and seek someone who can meet the need that you have. Whether for emotional support, courage, wisdom, expertise, or pure community, go to Corner Four . . . and stay there.

Don’t trust anything that feels good if it isn’t something you’d want your spouse, partner, family, or your colleagues to know about.

it doesn’t require you to be your authentic self, then it’s probably fake anyway.

I have never seen great performers who felt themselves to be out of control of their own performance, emotions, direction, purpose, decisions, beliefs, choices, or any other human faculties.

Self-control is a big deal in human performance.

Winners not only perceive themselves as being in control of themselves and their choices, but also they exercise this control every day, and we can see it.

The real test of a Corner Four relationship is what happens when you choose a different path than the one your supportive person desires for you.

One of the problems we see most often is that accountability conversations are held in negative emotional climates, with toxic outbursts and shaming. We hear “How could you have done that?” and “How could you have let that happen?” (These are really statements, not questions. They mean “You’re an idiot!”) Accountability has too often meant coming down hard on someone, and we know what that accomplishes: division without learning.

Corner Four accountability is a commitment to what is best at three levels: (1) both or all the individuals involved, (2) the relationship(s), and (3) the outcomes.

All too often in business you run into an executive who values only big wins. Consequently, people can feel devalued or even get pushed

into taking risks that exceed their skills and experience.

Love does not begin with oneself. Love begins by receiving love, internalizing it, and then giving it away to others—paying it forward.

We learn to challenge ourselves when someone pushes us past our perceived limits, and then we learn to do that for ourselves. We learn to think differently and to think about our thinking by having someone observe us and get us to observe ourselves.

So-called self-improvement—the process of getting better—is really a relational enterprise, not a “self” enterprise.