The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

An interesting word derivation comes into play here, noted by Csikszentmihalyi regarding the role of competition in improving performance. When individuals seek growth and self-improvement in the competitive arena, it’s not the winning itself that motivates them, but rather the presence of the other in the competition. The word compete comes from the Late Latin verb competere, “to seek together.” It is the “together” aspect that drives us. I love that! As he points out in Flow (Kindle loc. 1570–76): What each person seeks is to actualize her potential, and this task is made easier when others force us to do our best [emphasis added]. Of course, competition improves experience only as long as attention is focused primarily on the activity itself. If extrinsic goals—such as beating the opponent, wanting to impress an audience, or obtaining a big professional contract—are what one is concerned about, then competition is likely to become a distraction, rather than an incentive to focus consciousness on what is happening.

It needs to be often enough to help positive patterns form but not so often that the walls of the new internal structure don’t have enough time to solidify. I have to have some time to work on it in between.

So look at whatever you are trying to build at this moment with your various stakeholders, including yourself. What is the right dosage? What is the right amount of time? How frequently? What has to take place in each dose?

As you apply the structure quotient, you will know when something isn’t working or not taking hold by adding “one more” until it works. Then you will have found the right dosage.

Persons who use rescuers for validation seldom look at themselves and change. As a result, they repeat the same pattern over and over, destroying relationships, teams, and organizations.

Trust can be defined as a confident expectation.

Trust fuels investment—of money, time, energy, and self. Whom should you trust? In research and experience, I have come to believe that there are five crucial ingredients to look for when you’re ready to make such investments. 1. Understanding 2. Intent or Motive 3. Ability 4. Character 5. Track Record

don’t be afraid to check your own internal GPS to see how it’s going. Where are you? Are you lonely in Corner One? Are you feeling crappy in Corner Two? Are you experiencing a fleeting thrill in Corner Three? Or are you feeling protected, advised, supported, and rewarded in Corner Four? Which corner are you in? And who is in that corner with you?