The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

An interesting word derivation comes into play here, noted by Csikszentmihalyi regarding the role of competition in improving performance. When individuals seek growth and self-improvement in the competitive arena, it’s not the winning itself that motivates them, but rather the presence of the other in the competition. The word compete comes from the Late Latin verb competere, “to seek together.” It is the “together” aspect that drives us. I love that! As he points out in Flow (Kindle loc. 1570–76): What each person seeks is to actualize her potential, and this task is made easier when others force us to do our best [emphasis added]. Of course, competition improves experience only as long as attention is focused primarily on the activity itself. If extrinsic goals—such as beating the opponent, wanting to impress an audience, or obtaining a big professional contract—are what one is concerned about, then competition is likely to become a distraction, rather than an incentive to focus consciousness on what is happening.