The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

I’m talking about a situation in which A should be talking to B but is talking to C about B instead. Obviously it will be impossible for A to work out his issues with B if he’s not even speaking to her, but that’s just the beginning of the problem with this indirect (aka passive-aggressive) style of noncommunication, which I like to call triangulation. The destructiveness of this kind of entanglement is far more troubling. Here’s why. Triangulation sets up something called the victim-persecutor-rescuer (VPR) triad, which I’m calling the Bermuda Triangle of relationships. It works like this. I’m A, you’re B, and someone else is C. Let’s say I’m bugged with you or disagree with you or don’t like the way you recently confronted me. I feel like the victim of something you did to me, and that makes you the persecutor. Therefore, instead of talking directly to you about what’s bothering me, I take my hurt feelings to a sympathetic third person, who becomes my “rescuer.” I gripe about you, how mean, wrong, abusive, or attacking you were to do what you did or say what you said. I’m not talking to the rescuer for legitimate feedback about our conflict and for help resolving it. That would be a good motivation, but instead, I’m talking to the rescuer just to get validation that I’m right and you’re wrong. I want C’s support for my side of the argument. It makes me feel better, bleeds off the pain, and helps me avoid talking directly to you. Talking to a trusted other can often be he...