The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

One of my pet peeves is that many (not all) of the psychological methods and techniques popularized and even professionalized in the last few decades disregard internalization altogether, even though it is the basis for all growth. Consider these popular phrases: Change your thinking, change your life! You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself! Find the “power within.” Overcome fear with positive “self-talk.” Positive thinking: the key to success. You have the power! Here’s the problem. None of these slogans recognizes the power of the “R-word”: relationship. Yet all the research supports the view that the Big R is the key to the Big G: growth. Don’t get me wrong. There is truth in each of these methodologies. For example, we know that internal destructive messages, “self-talk,” can be a real source of pain and can limit performance in every area of life, and it must be replaced with positive self-talk. And we do indeed have personal power, the agency or self-efficacy discussed earlier. But what limits these approaches is their assumption that we can just do those things. It is as if we can each improve as a closed system, as if it all comes down to our own thinking and choosing, as if we can just do it, even when we have never been able to do it before. As if! The slogan I find most infuriating is the one about how “we can’t love others until we love ourselves.” When your car is out of gas, you have to visit a...