The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

I also like to suggest this sometimes: “Why don’t we both go talk to him about it together? I’ll offer to help you two think this through. I think that would get us closer to a solution than just talking about it behind his back.” I like team members to promise to include everyone. Often all it takes is a sentence. “Let’s make sure we bring this point up with the whole team” or “Let’s make sure everyone’s in the room.”

Fourth, be a good receiver of feedback. If you model the kind of behavior that shows you’re open to feedback and willing to listen to other points of view, you may be able to prevent triangulation from starting in the first place. Many times triangulation issues wouldn’t exist if person B were easy to talk to.

While we need to be good givers of direct feedback and conversation, we need also to be good receivers as well.

Fifth, build skills—in yourself and in your team. Many times we’re asking people to do something they’ve never been taught to do. They might not have the listening skills, confrontation and conflict skills, negotiation skills, or conversation skills that are needed to have the direct encounters that we’re asking them to have. Part of leadership or any Corner Four relationship is helping others grow and get to where they need to be.

If you feel you’re caught up in a triangle, ask yourself which role you’re playing. If you’re the offended one talking to a rescuer, stop and say, “You know, thanks for listening, but I really should go talk to B directly. “If you’re C, the rescuer, tell A to go talk directly to B, the persecutor, or ask if you can meet both to help them solve the problem. If you’re B, the one being talked about, go to A, the gossip, and say, “I heard you have some disagreement with me. How can I help?”

Finally, be wise. Talking about others is not a bad thing. People need to, and love to, talk about each other. “How’s your sister doing? What’s happening with your team?” Others are frequently the topic of our conversations, and even on the job we must talk about one another and the work we’re doing with them, as well as the issues we’re having with them. That’s normal and good. But, you’ll know when it is not divisive.

We’ve examined what it takes to become a high performer. First of all, we’ve established that, whether we acknowledge it or not, other people have power in one’s life that greatly influences one’s performance. Second, that power can be positive or negative in its influence. Third, we can’t get to the next level without opening ourselves up to the positive power that others bring. We must be an “open system.” Fourth, in order to open up and receive, we must be vulnerable and willing to go into a place of need. Fifth, there are certain components that Corner Four relationships provide—fuel, self-control, responsibility and ownership, a realistic positivity about failure, stretches and pushes, steps, structure, and process.

there are five crucial ingredients to look for when you’re ready to make such investments. 1. Understanding 2. Intent or Motive 3. Ability 4. Character 5. Track Record

We trust people who we know understand us, our context, our situation, our needs, what makes it work for us, and what makes it break down. When they truly understand, listen, and care, we are more than willing to open ourselves to them. The highest-performing teams share a deep understanding of each individual’s needs as well as a shared understanding of what the group is dealing with and what it needs from each member to succeed.

Good, caring people can be perceived wrongly by others simply because a connection has not been made. As a leader, a spouse, a colleague, and a parent, take time to ask yourself: Have I shown the people I want to have a Corner Four relationship with that I truly am listening, that I understand them? And, before you invest your trust in someone else, ask yourself if you feel that they are listening and truly understand where you’re coming from.

When we find people who seem to truly understand us, next we need to know their motives. What’s driving them in this relationship? Are they in it only for themselves and their interests, or do they care about ours as well? We trust people when we know that their motives are good, that they want good things for us, even if at times it might cost them. Good relationships are built on this bedrock of trust: I know that you want the best for me, so I trust you.

Is your company for you? If you’re a leader, do your people know that you’re for them? Your kids? Spouse? I presume that you are, but if you want trust to flourish, you have to make sure that they know it as well.

It’s easy to get caught up in the good feelings that trust engenders, but trust without commensurate levels of ability isn’t enough either. Someone may have remarkable compassion and empathy for you, and pure motives, but you can trust only if that person has the ability to do what you need done. A

They can honestly question one another’s abilities to make sure they’re capable before they launch something. Perhaps you say to the marketing department, “I’m not feeling secure that you guys have the capacity to launch this new campaign with all of the other things you have going on. Help me get there.” That’s real Corner Four communicating, not an insult. After all, the point is to actually deliver on what we set out to do for someone, right? Why wouldn’t you want to have the best chance of succeeding—whether

Trust, as noted earlier, is a “confident expectation” that someone can deliver. Ability drives that expectation and confidence in it.

talking about other character traits beyond honesty and ethics: Optimist or pessimist? Proactive or passive? Does she persevere and solve problems when things get difficult? Is he too soft for what you need? Too hard? Too rigid? Too impulsive? Too paralyzed by fear of failure? Compassionate? Kind? Brittle? Fun? Resilient? Forgiving? We could go on and on. But consider this. An individual could have everything we have discussed so far about trust. He or she could be understanding, have good motives, have high ability, and still lack an essential character trait that is needed in your context before you can trust. For instance, what if it’s someone who needs a lot of validation and positive feedback, and yet you’re going to ask him to take over a failing entity and turn it around? There is not going to be a lot of good news for quite a while. If someone thrives only on positive results, he might not have the staying power for a turnaround. He’s a good person, but his character (not moral, but how he is put together) isn’t a good fit for this particular job. The higher you go in organizations, the more important questions of character and emotional intelligence become.

Remember, the best predictor of the future is the past, unless there is something new and different in the picture. If the track record has been poor but you’re thinking of trusting someone, have a very good reason to take that step.

So whom should you trust? It depends! Reread the previous pages, and don’t be afraid to question your first impulse next time you have to decide where to bank your trust. As they say on Wall Street (at least they should!) and in all securities advertisements, investor beware!

Nice guys do not finish last, and jerks do not finish first. Great performers finish first, and if they are great and good people, they do even better.

It behooves us all to look for and build the kinds of connection that Corner Four people embody, and become that kind of connector ourselves: Connection that fuels Connection that gives freedom Connection that requires responsibility Connection that defangs failure and learning Connection that challenges and pushes Connection that builds structure Connection that unites instead of divides Connection that is trustworthy