The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

Listen to the ownership, the total realization of who is in control of Jack and his performance: Jack. He doesn’t offer excuses, such as, “It was windy that day and a gust of wind carried the ball too far on seventeen.” Or, “Someone yelled in my backswing.” There’s no “the dog ate my homework.” Instead, we hear total ownership: “I just didn’t do it.” I have never seen great performers who felt themselves to be out of control of their own performance, emotions, direction, purpose, decisions, beliefs, choices, or any other human faculties. They don’t blame others or external factors. The greats are not like lesser performers, who try to explain away their failure as being somehow caused, forced, or controlled by someone else. Self-control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends upon it. You cannot get better if it’s not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control. In the psychological world, this idea and description of health is called by many names. “Self-efficacy,” “agency,” and “locus of control” are a few. It is the “perception that one is in control of oneself.”