The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

Solitude can be incredibly fueling in and of itself, especially for introverts. The ability to be alone, comfortably and contentedly, is an important step toward emotional maturity and health. But solitude is not Corner One isolation. Isolation won’t give you a chance to refuel but merely offers a temporary escape. If you find yourself heading into Corner One as a way to avoid conflict and intimacy while wrongly calling it alone time, you’ll end up with loss of energy and drive. So watch out. A good test? If you go for solitude, do you still have real, connecting, honest, and vulnerable Corner Four time with others that addresses what you thought about while alone? If you are sharing it at some point, your solitude is probably in service of refueling and sorting things out in your quiet time alone. But if you are not, you might be in Corner One isolation and just calling it solitude or introversion. You can also spot the signs of trouble in Corner Two. When alarm bells in your head start ringing, “You’re not good enough,” when fear—of disapproval, of displeasing someone, or of falling short of some metric of goodness—starts driving your actions, you know you’re running out of fuel. The pull to seek something that makes you feel “good”—that’s Corner Three on the map—is another warning sign. If you find yourself itching for comfort in illicit relationships, addictive substances, or other compulsive behavior, you know you’re risking stalemate at best, and eventually a big crash.