Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness

by Shasta Nelson

It seems impossible to love people who hurt and disappoint us, yet there are no other kinds of people. —Frank Andrews, author of The Art and Practice of Loving

But I believe that much of our frustration stems from a lack in our own lives. When I’m healthy, happy, and whole, it feels good to give, but when my resources feel scarce, my generous spirit can wane, frustrated with anyone who seems to want what I am protecting.

The answer to this obstacle is to accept responsibility for taking care of our needs—without expecting someone else to do so for us.

The differences in how others express their love for us doesn’t mean they love us any less—it just means they love us differently.

It’s easy to buy into the myth that help is only sincere if they initiate it, but that’s really not the case. The point is having our needs met, not needing someone to guess them. And any friend who’s willing to hear our needs and meet them is the very definition of sincerity.

FOR REFLECTION: If you ever hesitate to express your needs, consider why you do so. Is it because you don’t see your needs yourself until it’s too late? Or, you do see your needs and feel shame about them? Or, do you not trust your friends to still love you once you expose your needs? See if you can identify at least one reason why you hesitate.

BUILDERS are friends who motivate you, invest in your development, and truly want you to succeed—even if it means they have to go out on a limb for you. Builders won’t compete with you; they will be cheering for you all the way to the finish line. CHAMPIONS stand up for you and your beliefs, and they sing your praises. Champions are your strongest supporters, and they thrive on your accomplishments and happiness. COLLABORATORS are friends with similar interests—the basis for many great friendships. Shared interests are what often make collaborators lifelong friends, and those with whom you’re most likely to spend your time. COMPANIONS are always there for you, whatever the circumstances. You share a bond that is virtually unbreakable. Companions take pride in your relationship, and they will sacrifice for your benefit. CONNECTORS are the bridge-builders who help you get what you want. These friends get to know you and then instantly work to connect you with others who will share your interests or goals. ENERGIZERS are your fun friends who always boost your spirits and create more positive moments in your life. They pick you up when you’re down and can turn a good day into a great day. MIND-OPENERS expand your horizons and introduce you to new ideas, opportunities, cultures, and people. They challenge you to think in innovative ways and help you create positive change. Mind-Openers challenge conventional wisdom and allow you to express opinions that you might be uncomfortab...

Questions for Reflection When I’m Not Getting What I Want From a Friend • What am I really mad at? Is it my friend, or something else in my life? • Am I annoyed that my friend isn’t responding exactly as I want her to—am I expecting too much from her? Can I do a better job of asking for what I need? Or going to another friend? • Is my feeling of overgiving really the accurate picture, or is it possible that my friend gives in more ways than I can see right now? • If I am overgiving, is it because I’m not receiving enough, or because I’m giving too much? • If I’m giving too much—why am I doing that? • If I’m not receiving well (e.g., sharing my needs, being receptive to help)—what could I do to practice receiving more in this relationship? • What can I ask from her that would help me feel we’re righting the balance? Am I willing to do that? How can I do it kindly, without blame?

One such scientist could be Matthew D. Lieberman, who in Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect makes the case that “increasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being” because our modern brains were wired primarily for the purpose of “reaching out to and interacting with others.”

And yet the science doesn’t match up with our perceptions. In fact, numerous studies have shown that increasing our income above subsistence level raises our happiness by only a small amount. What has a stronger impact on our happiness? Our social factors: being married, having friends, the size and quality of our network, our involvement in social organizations, and our participation in societal institutions.

An Initiator Mantra I am the primary initiator in my relationships—not because there is something wrong with me, but because there is something right with me. I initiate because I value more connection in my life. I initiate because a relationship requires it in order to get any momentum, and I can give that gift. I initiate because this world needs more people who prioritize relationships, and I’m willing to be one of them. I initiate because I’m the one who knows the benefit of more connection. I initiate because I am brave, because I value love, and because I am ready for more. Initiating

• It’s social factors that have the strongest impact on our happiness: being married, having friends, the size and quality of our network, our involvement in social organizations, and our participation in societal institutions.

We also share because our deepest innate desire is to be accepted and loved—which is predicated on feeling known. To have someone love us, but not know us, feels unsafe.

So it’s up to us to invite the friendship into a deeper and more meaningful place.

Ideas for New Activities DARING: Invite a friend from one container of your life (e.g., work, church, kids’ school) to do something completely outside that one shared area. AMBITIOUS: Think of two to three really fun things you want to do this year that might take planning ahead of time. (Camping? Attending a musical? Girls’ weekend in the city?) Commit to finding friends to join you. EXPERIMENTAL: Try to think of one memorable activity to shake things up a bit with a close friend. Can’t think of one? Well, what might you want to take a picture doing? (Hot air balloon? Wine-tasting? Piloting a tandem bicycle?) IMPROMPTU: Commit to once or twice this month reaching out to someone with a last-minute invite. For example, “I’ll be in your neighborhood tonight—any chance you can meet up for a drink?” Or, “Hey, if I were to show up with Chinese takeout tonight, would you be up for watching TV together?” ROUTINE: Sometimes the best thing we can do is invite someone to do the things with us that seem small—perhaps grocery shopping together, getting manicures, meeting at the Farmers’ market, or walking around your neighborhood.

Our relationships are mirrors: They show us not just how loved and valuable we are but also where we have room to grow.

Many believe that friendships are supposed to be easy and comfortable: pain free, all fun, total joy. I’ve heard many quip, “I don’t do drama” as though they are so enlightened that they can’t be bothered with anything that feels messy. But the truth is that conflict and change is part of any healthy relationship, and so we must cease viewing our collisions as bad signs and instead see them as invitations for growth and depth.

GENTLE TRUTH: We can’t enjoy intimacy if we don’t like ourselves

So we start with this fear because it resides in the core of every other fear. Any healthy relationship practices we might engage in must be built on the foundation that we know we’re valuable and worthy of being in meaningful relationships. If encouraging you to be more consistent or vulnerable triggers fears that you aren’t good enough or lovable enough for others to value, then that encouragement could seem like an impossible request. But fortunately such doesn’t indicate a dead end. That’s because our relationships don’t just increase the love in our lives—they also serve as the training center for practicing our most important relationship of all: the one with ourselves. It’s a promise that, as we practice extending love to ourselves more, it’ll gradually become easier for us to courageously reveal ourselves to others, too.

Far too many of us take our relationship with ourselves for granted. But be clear, just as intimacy with others doesn’t just happen, neither does intimacy with ourselves. Nor should we think we’re the only ones harmed if we don’t attend to loving ourselves; the truth is that self-neglect hurts all our relationships.

“One of the most prevalent reasons women are unhappy, unfulfilled, and stressed-out is the mental and emotional abuse suffered at their own hands.” This text comes from the book Reform Your Inner Mean Girl: 7 Steps to Stop Bullying Yourself and Start Loving Yourself, by Amy Ahlers and Christine Arylo. In fact, they’ve named thirteen types of Inner Mean Girls—including the Worrywart, the Doing Addict, the Invincible Super-woman, and the Martyr—whose voices unfortunately sound all too familiar to most

we abandon ourselves when we relinquish to others how we feel about ourselves, judging ourselves through others’ eyes, ignoring or dismiss our own feelings, or manipulating others into feeling guilty for how “they” made us feel.

Self-worth is coming to peace with who we are such that we’re willing to share our gift in this world. And keep in mind, knowing ourselves so well that we can name our gifts is nowhere close to thinking we’re above others, and neither does it bring with it a need to push others down. Self-worth simply recognizes that we, like others, have value.

• Can you articulate how your life experiences have uniquely shaped you? • Do you know what energizes you and drains you—what tasks, what people, what conversations? • Do you know what message you subconsciously go through life hoping to hear from others? • Do you know what values are really guiding your life? • Do you know with what you’re most likely to get defensive and feel threatened? • Do you know who you are at your core—where even if you lost your job, marriage, and home you could still describe who you are? • Do you understand how your temperament is different from that of others? • What makes you special?

Most of us avoid our feelings, for many reasons. But to discount our feelings robs us of the self-awareness that helps us to identify what is wrong. How can we attend to something we can’t recognize for what it is? And how can we improve our chances of being understood by others if we lack the ability to communicate our feelings even to ourselves?

There is a vast difference between instinctive reactions and intuitive responses. And while the first may feel easier, the latter is where maturity resides. So, if our goal is to react less and respond more, then we need to identify which situations tend to threaten us. Once we’ve articulated when we’re susceptible, we can work to catch ourselves in the act—so we can instead choose compassion and tenderness. And then we want to do it again the next time we’re triggered—and then again, until ultimately we’ve created new neural pathways with healthy rather than destructive responses. We cannot forge intimacy with pity or hatred, whether toward ourselves or others.