Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

by Lisa Damour

The Swimming Pool Let me explain. Consider the metaphor in which your teenage daughter is a swimmer, you are the pool in which she swims, and the water is the broader world. Like any good swimmer, your daughter wants to be out playing, diving, or splashing around in the water. And, like any swimmer, she holds on to the edge of the pool to catch her breath after a rough lap or getting dunked too many times. In real life, it looks like this: your daughter has been so busy spending time with her friends, activities, or schoolwork that you feel as though you might need to reintroduce yourself the next time you see her. Then something goes wrong in her world and she is suddenly seeking your advice, sharing the details of her latest misfortunes, and perhaps (gasp!) wanting you to hug or cuddle her. In other words, she’s had a hard time in the water and has come to the edge of the pool to recover. You’re in heaven—she’s back. To mix metaphors, you’re a jelly bean again! She wants to be with you, to hear your wisdom, to be comforted by your physical presence. Paul Simon’s “Mother and Child Reunion” plays in your head as you start to imagine the many fantastic adventures you’ll share with your new best friend. Then she pushes you away. Hard. What just happened? Well, like a swimmer who gets her breath back, your daughter wants to return to the water, and she gets there by pushing off the side of the pool. This often takes the form of picking the dumbest fight ever or being nasty in...