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After he left, I drove over the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time, alone. I remember the giant mountain moss, rust and rocks, the kind of gargantuan beauty they didn’t make back East. I couldn’t believe the fairy-tale magnitude of it. I wanted someone to turn to and just go oh my god, but I had only myself. I was not enough.
The problem with addiction is that the joy in repetition eventually gives way to a combination of both joy and problems. Then it gives way to just problems.
You take a living, breathing human being and try to stuff them into the insatiable holes inside you. These holes are in no way shaped like that person (or any person). But you believe that this fantasy person will fill you, because he or she possesses all the imaginary qualities you seek in a lover. And how do you know that he or she possesses all of these qualities? You put them there.
She said we all contain foreign bodies or beings—things that are not ours and not our soul within us. She said we sometimes pick them up from other people. Like there are things we are taught that aren’t ours. Or they are curses. She said that every time a parent yells at a child that it is a curse.
