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(FYI: It’s probably never really about the person you think you’re obsessed with. It’s about old pain.)
A few weeks ago, I found myself doing really well, better than all of the times I’ve quit him before. When I dreamt of him, the dreams were no longer full of lust and ache. Even in my dreams I knew that we weren’t right for each other. I dreamt that I flew over his apartment building in a helicopter. The building looked beautiful and he called to me to come in through the roof. But I didn’t go. It’s as if even my subconscious version of him was ruined. I felt glad it was ruined. I felt strong and free.
It was the least satisfying ending ever. Now I want to contact him and be like, Just one more thing! I want to give it the perfect ending. But there will never be a perfect ending. The perfect ending is a romantic ending and thus is not an ending. The perfect ending will only feed the compulsion. So I am keeping the imperfect ending and pretending it is perfect.
Another one of my fears is boredom, hopelessness, the feeling that I am dead while I am alive.
