Colorblind

by Siera Maley

I moved my hand, and felt my rib cage cave in and crush my heart. My head dropped and I let out a sob as, at last, the tears I’d been holding back began to flow. And no matter how many times Chloe murmured, “Hey, I’m okay, I’m okay, Harper,” I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I couldn’t even look at her. 16.

Chloe was going to die, and she was going to die soon. And there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.

“Okay, sorry, no jokes. I’ll text you all day and call you a hundred times until the weekend comes, alright?” “Promise?” “Promise.”

“When,” he corrected at last. “When she doesn’t make it through the summer, I’ll be right there with you helping you deal.”

She was there, a backpack on and sporting a grin that mirrored my own. When she launched herself forward into my arms, I was mostly ready, and when she threw her arms around me, I hugged her back even tighter. Her lips brushed against my shoulder as she murmured, “I missed you,” and for a moment, everything felt right in my world.

“We should make sleeping side by side our thing,” she told me, her voice muffled by her sleeping bag. “Like, forever.” “I think they call that marriage,” I laughed, my voice a whisper. “I’m okay with that,” she mumbled sleepily. Her eyes fluttered shut, and I brushed my thumb back and forth along her cheek, just watching her.

I just want to be happy. Ignoring things makes me happy. Ignorance is bliss, right?”

If you want to be happy, it’s pretty simple: you do things that make you happy. If you don’t want to be unhappy, you’re cool with that safe, neutral, boring zone where nothing good or bad happens.”

“To live a boring, uneventful life with as little pain as possible.”

Did you know that one of the biggest regrets dying people have is that they let other people dictate how they lived their lives?”

“I’d regret that I never went skydiving. Or that I didn’t push my parents harder for a pet turtle when I was a kid. I’d regret never getting that pink streak in my hair that I’ve wanted since freshman year and was promised I could get my senior year. I’d regret never experiencing getting drunk and never getting my driver’s license… although not at the same time.” She laughed and then fell silent, eyes on the stars, and I smiled over at her even as her own faded. “That’s it?” “I have another,” she said, and rolled onto her side again, facing me. “I think I’d have been a little more impatient. I’d have kissed more girls.” She paused, and then modified, a hint of a smile on her lips, “Okay, maybe just one more girl. Maybe I would’ve just locked a bathroom door.”

“You could kiss me now,” I finally murmured. “I’m not the one scared to love someone,” she said. “I can wait.” She shifted closer to me, then, but didn’t kiss me. Instead, she nestled into me, her front pressed into my side and her face tucked between my shoulder and neck. Her arm slid over my stomach and her right hand found my left as it rested limply at my side. She interlocked our fingers and squeezed my hand, and my gaze flickered up to the stars overhead. I was sure, then, with Chloe relaxing beside me and her lips pressed gently against the skin by my collarbone, that if there somehow were a Heaven up there, she’d fit right in.

this has made me cry to many times alr i cant

We bought pink hair dye and hair bleach at the closest general store, and then he grabbed a bottle of vodka while I went to browse in the pet store next door. Eventually, I found a turtle small enough to be easy to take care of but large enough that if Chloe ever officially adopted it, Baxter wouldn’t eat it. I didn’t buy it. Yet.

this is making me cry sm rn i csnt

It took her a second to register what exactly she was looking at, but when she had, she burst into laughter. “Oh my God. You’re such a cheeseball. That’s pink hair dye!” “It’s totally temporary,” I assured her. “It says it’ll be out within a week.” “Oh my god.” She shifted her gaze to the bottle of vodka. “Is that vodka?” “Robbie helped me.” She took the bottle from me and eyed it curiously. Then she arched an eyebrow at me. “So the two of us are going to get drunk alone in your bedroom together? That’s a terrible idea. Let’s do it, c’mon.”

“I, like, am really into you,” she told me. I nodded along, processing her words more slowly than usual. “Like, not even just in a kissing and sex kind of way… I mean, totally that way, but sometimes it’s like… if I could just, like, press up super close to you and just kind of merge and be this hybrid person I still don’t think I’d be as close as I wanna be. And sometimes, like camping day, you’ll admit you feel the same way, but I hate how things can never just be easy. We met and we got along great and you like girls and I was like, this is gonna go so well, this is everything I wanted, and you really are. I just wanna be happy and I don’t want you to be unhappy, so if I make you happy then why can’t we just be happy, you know?”

“Harper, I’m really glad I met you.”

“Chloe Stephens, I am so glad I met you.”

this sentence alone is making me sob

“So this day by the water that my parents are definitely going to let us have because I’m going to beg them to say yes? I’m gonna call it a date. Okay?” I blinked a couple of times, and then swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”

I was beginning to wonder how I could ever live my life happily after losing her. She’d become my best friend.

It was, to describe it in a word, tender. She reached out to cup my cheek with one hand, and we kissed slowly, gently, until I felt the warmth of her body pressing into mine. She shifted, half-leaning over top of me, and we broke apart as I pulled away to lay flat on my back. I stared up at her and held my breath. Her blue eyes were a darker shade as she leaned down to kiss me again. My stomach churned in that uncomfortable way it had earlier, and I realized it had nothing to do with worrying about her and entirely to do with being a nervous girl on her first date. The realization made me kiss her back harder, and when her hand slid down my bare stomach and settled against my hip I thought I’d die. But then she pulled away again, held her face an inch from mine, and brushed her nose against my own. My eyes fluttered open and I saw her smiling.

For a moment, I forgot about the heartache that came with loving Chloe, and when it finally did begin to come creeping back into the recesses of my mind later that night, when I was alone in my bed, I ignored it. Some things were worth aching for.

“I will,” I yawned out, and focused on the light touches against my back. “I… end word. L…O…” I paused, and then rolled over to face her. She offered me a gentle smile. “Me too,” I told her. She arched an eyebrow, her demeanor changing instantaneously. “You love chocolate? I thought you were allergic.” “That wasn’t what you were going to spell out,” I said. “No,” she agreed, leaning in to kiss me. “It wasn’t.”

“Yeah, but you like me better.” Grinning, she leaned in to kiss me. I pressed my gun to her vest and pulled the trigger again just as the voice over the intercom told us our game was over. Chloe let her gun fall from her hands and laughed into my mouth even as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer. “Overly competitive nerd.”

Even as she said it, the uneasy feeling I’d had all day began to intensify. A heavy knot formed in my stomach. I worried it was same feeling I’d gotten the night my mom had died, and then hated myself for not being able to remember. I swallowed hard and turned back to my dad. “I’m staying here.”

There were a lot of things I’d come to know that summer. That fate was unchangeable. That Chloe’s death was coming no matter what I did. That I had to accept those things because I’d drive myself crazy if I didn’t. But that didn’t make it any less impossible to just let go. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ever going to be ready.

I was trembling and as Chloe squeezed me tight, I cried into her shoulder. I knew I had to look absolutely insane to her then; she had no way of understanding why I was so upset. “I don’t know what I said, but I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t get mad at you for being a little pessimistic. I can’t blame you after what you’ve been through.” “It’s not your fault,” I sobbed out.

“I’m sorry I’ve been awful. I’m sorry I didn’t smile enough and that I wouldn’t ride roller coasters with you and that I didn’t let you kiss me that first weekend when I knew I liked you too. I was just scared.”

IM SOBBING RN I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE DIES

She pulled me in for another tight hug. “I love you.” “I love you, too.”

It was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life to pull away from her and walk away, but I did it. I walked backwards for the first few steps, eyes on her as she smiled at me and gave me a small wave goodbye. I glanced up at her forehead, felt myself fall apart all over again at the sight of the sixteen that still rested there, and then looked back down into her eyes.

It was the first part of her I’d ever seen, and I wanted it to be the last, too, if this was the end for us.

After Chloe was gone, he was all I’d really have. I wasn’t sure that’d be enough for me. I had nothing left to feel for anyone after Chloe was gone. She’d owned all of my heart, and I’d let her have it. I’d put down my walls long enough to let her invade and take over completely, even though I’d known all along that this was how it was going to end. I felt so stupid now, and I wondered what part of me had let myself be convinced that it was okay to fall for Chloe. And I wondered what awful thing I’d done in a past life to deserve the one I had now.

IM SOBBING

“You make me happy,” I told her. “So just… just stick around, okay?” “That’s the plan. Stick around, you graduate, I graduate, we go to colleges that are close by-” “Or to the same one,” I suggested. “Exactly. We’ll room together after I get there. I’ll join a sorority and then quit when I get tired of having to bring boys to date nights; you’ll have taken a ton of Philosophy classes your freshman year and you’ll annoy the hell out of me. Livin’ the dream.” “Philosophy is Robbie’s thing,” I corrected, unable to stop the corners of my lips from curling up despite myself. “I think I’d hate it.” “Well, you’d take Intro to Video Games or something dumb like that, then. Does that exist? Anyway, then you graduate and get your degree in…?” I paused, uncertain. I had no idea what major I was interested in. But I wanted to play along for her. “How about… Computer Science?” “Okay, so you get a Computer Science degree and become like this world class hacker, but like a legit one that gets hired by companies to try and hack into their systems to test their security. My dad knew a guy who did that. And I’ll get a Finance degree so that when you inevitably go rogue and illegally hack millions of dollars into our joint bank account, I know how to keep it safe and how to invest it while we’re on the run.” “With our two children named Bonnie and Clyde,” I added, and she let out a laugh. “Yes! Perfect. And our dog. No! Wait. One of those overly fluffy white cats that always sits on the main...

“Okay. I will.” I didn’t want her to go, but I knew I couldn’t keep her on the phone forever. “Every hour again.” “Sounds perfect. I love you, Harper.” “I love you too, Chloe.” The call ended with a click, but I kept the phone against my ear. I felt like crying all over again.

“Everything’s pointless. Everything.” He turned his head to face me, and then shook it. “No.” I pulled back to stare at him, stony-faced. “This wasn’t worth it.” “It just feels that way now,” he told me.

“My girlfriend is in another room dying-” I stopped, choking on the word, and then stood. I needed to get out.

Every life ended with a group of hysterical people in a waiting room.

“I don’t want to die,” I clarified, glancing over my shoulder. The drop was steep, with rocks at the bottom. There was no way I’d survive it. “But my number isn’t seventeen. All I wanted was to know that I could beat the numbers. Maybe this is how I do it.”

“Maybe there is no point. I don’t know. But we go on anyway because we have to. There are people who love and care about you. There are experiences you’re going to have that you’re going to be glad you were around for. And yes, there are going to be things that’ll tear you up on the inside and make you wish you’d never been born. That’s a part of life. But it’s not ever going to be enough to risk your life trying to prove a point. Look at yourself! You’re a step away from using yourself to test fate when there’s a girl at a hospital who needs you right now. What if she wakes up and she’s got another few days? What if she’s up right now and she’s got an hour left? And you’re out here doing this.”

For those of us who don’t believe that… We just have to learn to be okay.”

“Maybe you’re not listening. Maybe you can’t listen. But if you can, and you are… you can take whatever you want,” I mouthed, my eyes still closed. “Take ten of my years. Take all of them. Just give her more time. She deserves more time. She wants it more than anyone. Give her just a little more time.”

The number rested there, clear as day, as though it had been there all along. 84.

Seeing Chloe’s number change didn’t make me gain faith in some sort of benevolent omniscient being, but it did change what it was like to be with her. The dark cloud over our relationship vanished. We spent our days enjoying the present, and happily, idly pondering the future. I didn’t worry so much about her anymore. Maybe I got a little less cynical. Maybe I smiled a little wider and a little bit more often, and maybe the sky looked a little bluer; the grass a little more green.

I had no way of knowing what or who decided how we lived, or how long we lived, or what the consequences of our actions and decisions were. I would almost certainly never know.

Bad things were inevitable. Death was inevitable. But maybe the reverse was true: that good things were equally inevitable. And maybe sometimes inevitability liked to take a back seat to second chances.

Though I knew it couldn’t last forever, I decided it was about time I let myself be happy. I was alive. Chloe was alive. Robbie was alive, and my father was alive and dating a woman who was well on her way to becoming his fiancée.