Colorblind

by Siera Maley

“Harper, people are not milk cartons,” Dad sighed out. “You don’t pick and choose the ones you think will last the longest without going sour. If it feels right, you just go with it until it doesn’t feel right anymore. And sometimes when something goes wrong, it hurts. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it in the first place.”

she was still a cute girl, and cute girls made me self-conscious.

a thin handmade bracelet encircled her wrist, repeatedly bearing, in order, the six colors of the rainbow.

I reached out with my index finger and ran it along her pinky before withdrawing my hand.

Then, before I could stop myself, I declared, “You’re gay.”

But I couldn’t let up. Couldn’t give up. I had to keep her safe. Had to keep Chloe safe. Had to keep Mom safe…

have to go to therapy is what u need to do

She laughed and shook her head. “No. I used to get nervous. Then one day I decided that was stupid. So now, whenever I start to hesitate, I just tell myself to not worry about the consequences, push past the nerves, and do whatever it was I almost didn’t.”

“Life’s all about mistakes. And it’s way too short to just wait around instead of cutting through the bullshit.”

I marveled at the fact that a girl like her could ever be interested in a girl like me. She lit up rooms when she walked into them, and I was the epitome of the shy, antisocial kid that sat alone in corners at parties. Yet here we were, her with her hand on my neck as she shifted ever so slightly closer.

Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the goal of life isn’t to get through it as painlessly as possible?”

instead of being a fleeting streak of color in my black and white world, Chloe’d started a new era where I could see more than just a few different shades.

Her lips brushed against my shoulder as she murmured, “I missed you,” and for a moment, everything felt right in my world.

later I found myself sitting on a stool in my bathroom with Chloe’s face inches from mine and an eyeliner pencil pressed to my eyelid.

THE INFAMOUS LESBIAN PICTURE, ITS THEM

“Girls, are you-? Oh.”

STOP NO

“I like the idea of falling asleep next to you,”

I just want to be happy. Ignoring things makes me happy. Ignorance is bliss, right?”

I figure if I basically say ‘screw everyone else’ and live for myself, I’m pretty likely to not have regrets. If I want something, I go after it, regardless of what anyone else thinks about me for it.”

“You could kiss me now,” I finally murmured. “I’m not the one scared to love someone,” she said. “I can wait.”

For a moment, I forgot about the heartache that came with loving Chloe, and when it finally did begin to come creeping back into the recesses of my mind later that night, when I was alone in my bed, I ignored it. Some things were worth aching for.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I breathed out between kisses, and that made her giggle against my lips, stilling our kissing for a second. “Shut up, nerd,” she demanded, and reached down to hook her fingers through the loops of my jeans so she could gently tug me closer.

OHMYGOD I LOVE THEM

“Even if it seems naïve and stupid and even though we’re just teenagers and it’s only been a few weeks and we don’t know for sure how long this will last. I thought if you knew I thought about the future maybe you’d let yourself do the same. I thought maybe I could change the way you think about life.”

“I’m just scared to lose you, is all. I don’t want to think about the future because I can’t think about how perfect it could be without thinking about how it’d feel to lose it all.”

“I don’t know.” I still didn’t look at her. “Maybe… ask me again in a month. Okay?” “Okay, then. I will.” She said it like she was accepting a challenge. “Thirty days from today.”

I was trembling and as Chloe squeezed me tight, I cried into her shoulder. I knew I had to look absolutely insane to her then; she had no way of understanding why I was so upset.

and this is what hurts the most really. that no one understands or knows whats going to happen and shes left looking overdramatic

didn’t smile enough and that I wouldn’t ride roller coasters with you and that I didn’t let you kiss me that first weekend when I knew I liked you too. I was just scared.”

Robbie remained the sole person who knew and understood what I was going through. After Chloe was gone, he was all I’d really have.

I had nothing left to feel for anyone after Chloe was gone. She’d owned all of my heart, and I’d let her have it. I’d put down my walls long enough to let her invade and take over completely, even though I’d known all along that this was how it was going to end.

“It’s not so bad, is it? Hoping?” she asked me. “What’s life without something to hope for?”

“I think I have to be okay with it. And I think that everyone struggles with it. Some people make themselves okay with it by believing that there’s a God with a plan, and that good people die because there’s something better waiting on the other side. For those of us who don’t believe that… We just have to learn to be okay.”

“Maybe you’re not listening. Maybe you can’t listen. But if you can, and you are… you can take whatever you want,” I mouthed, my eyes still closed. “Take ten of my years. Take all of them. Just give her more time. She deserves more time. She wants it more than anyone. Give her just a little more time.”

84.

im sobbing

Bad things were inevitable. Death was inevitable. But maybe the reverse was true: that good things were equally inevitable. And maybe sometimes inevitability liked to take a back seat to second chances.

Though I knew it couldn’t last forever, I decided it was about time I let myself be happy.