Colorblind

by Siera Maley

“She had nice eyes,” I mumbled, and only felt dumber when he raised an eyebrow at me.

Ahhh

For a while, I’d been obsessed with being perfect. I’d thought that maybe if I was flawless, I’d live forever.

“Harper, people are not milk cartons,” Dad sighed out. “You don’t pick and choose the ones you think will last the longest without going sour. If it feels right, you just go with it until it doesn’t feel right anymore. And sometimes when something goes wrong, it hurts. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it in the first place.”

“Give me an excuse to stay home. Please?” came bursting out of me before I could think about it. Dad spun around in his chair, an eyebrow already arched in questioning amusement. “I’m too nervous to do this.”

“She could be a serial killer. Or the bait for a serial killer.” “Then I will miss you dearly. Goodbye, Harper.”

“Ah.” I nodded, feigning understanding. “I watched a lot of Spongebob Squarepants as a kid. Must be why I have this strange urge to live in a pineapple under the sea.”

Stoppp im grinning so hard

“So my options are death or inhumanely expensive ice cream?” She frowned. “Alright. Ice cream it is. But only ‘cause I brought money and you’re pretty.” My lips parted in surprise

AHHHHHH

She glanced back at me and winked, then called back, “Are you coming, or do you have a boyfriend you should be with right now?”

Girl knows what she’s s doing

a thin handmade bracelet encircled her wrist, repeatedly bearing, in order, the six colors of the rainbow.

Then, before I could stop myself, I declared, “You’re gay.” The crunching stopped. There was a short pause. And then, “Was that a question?” “I’m sorry.” “For… pointing out the obvious?” “I don’t think it was obvious,” I half-lied. “Sure it was. I’ve always wanted to live in San Francisco, and I wore a rainbow bracelet the other day.”

It’d be a lot like how coming out had been. Sharing it with other people; saying it aloud… that made it exist in a world outside of my mind. That made it real.

Her breath tickled my cheek as she whispered, “I suck at laser tag, but this is a lot of fun. Next time we should lose the boy.”

OH MY GOD

“Well, now I’m confused. You didn’t kiss me.” I arched an eyebrow. “Nice ego.”

Im so in love with them

“And I’m not looking for something casual, either. You’re nice, okay? I want you around for a while.”

“To one of my favorite places in San Francisco,” was all I said. “Is it a gay bar? I hope it’s not. I don’t want to meet other girls.”

“Of course not. This is… me spending a summer with a pretty girl, who, if she were to decide she maybe did actually wanna act on her urge to kiss me, would be welcome to do so.”

I’m solidly gay, and you’re not exactly waving a rainbow flag but you have claimed to play for my team, so.”

But I think we could balance each other out. You need a little color in your world, you know? Even most of your movies are in black and white.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said, offering me a small smile. “It’s okay to let people in sometimes.”

This ones going to hurt

“I guess maybe I just feel like I can only handle so many people at once.

“God, you’re beautiful,” she sighed out. “If I wasn’t so busy wanting you, I’d so want to be you.”

You know how when you read a book or watch a show and you get absorbed into it, and it’s like you’re in a different world?

“Being drunk is fun. I get why everyone does this.” She let out a long sigh. “God, I just wanna make out with you.”

“Try not to stare.” I colored. “I wasn’t.”

But I think a big part of healing is coming to terms with the fact that it’s a part of life, and that while it does hurt, it doesn’t outweigh the good times we got to share with that person before their death.”

Every life ended with a group of hysterical people in a waiting room.

Even a person like Chloe was only going to live on as a memory.

The memories would fade, and we’d age, and soon there would be no one left who knew her. My mother had been fading for years now, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Maybe I smiled a little wider and a little bit more often, and maybe the sky looked a little bluer; the grass a little more green.

Bad things were inevitable. Death was inevitable. But maybe the reverse was true: that good things were equally inevitable. And maybe sometimes inevitability liked to take a back seat to second chances.