Colorblind

by Siera Maley

Everyone was just a number to me, because that was all I could allow them to be.

It was the first time I could remember looking at someone’s eyes before their forehead.

I didn’t even notice her number at first.” “Who does that?”

Life would go on with or without Chloe Stephens, after all. It waited for no one. It never had.

“Harper, people are not milk cartons,” Dad sighed out. “You don’t pick and choose the ones you think will last the longest without going sour. If it feels right, you just go with it until it doesn’t feel right anymore. And sometimes when something goes wrong, it hurts. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it in the first place.”

“She could be a serial killer. Or the bait for a serial killer.” “Then I will miss you dearly. Goodbye, Harper.”

“So my options are death or inhumanely expensive ice cream?” She frowned. “Alright. Ice cream it is. But only ‘cause I brought money and you’re pretty.”

a thin handmade bracelet encircled her wrist, repeatedly bearing, in order, the six colors of the rainbow.

When I watched romances or read stories, I inserted myself into the main character’s dilemma. I was the piner: the one loving someone and waiting for them to love me back.

I have a pretty good gaydar. You don’t have a boyfriend, you laugh at all my lame jokes, and I’m pretty sure you’ve actually spent more time blushing around me than not blushing around me so far.

Chloe’s life became more than just an extension of my own. I buried myself in it with an enthusiasm I’d only had once before: four years ago.

“I have this theory,” Chloe began. “You have a lot of theories.” She ignored me and continued, “-that if I hit on you relentlessly enough, you’ll crack eventually. See, when guys do it, it’s creepy and gross, but I’m female and adorable and you actually like hanging out with me, so it’s okay.”

“Why are you so forward with girls? Aren’t you ever afraid of rejection?” She laughed and shook her head. “No. I used to get nervous. Then one day I decided that was stupid. So now, whenever I start to hesitate, I just tell myself to not worry about the consequences, push past the nerves, and do whatever it was I almost didn’t.”

“Life’s all about mistakes. And it’s way too short to just wait around instead of cutting through the bullshit.”

Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the goal of life isn’t to get through it as painlessly as possible?”

“If you think I’m letting you go through this alone after what just happened three days ago, you don’t know me at all. I carried her out of the water and watched her cough up a lung. She called me a nerd and made fun of my comic books, so I’m in this with you now.”

“We’re strong people, Harper. This won’t be fun, but we’ve been here before with people who were family.

She was there, a backpack on and sporting a grin that mirrored my own. When she launched herself forward into my arms, I was mostly ready, and when she threw her arms around me, I hugged her back even tighter. Her lips brushed against my shoulder as she murmured, “I missed you,” and for a moment, everything felt right in my world.

“We should make sleeping side by side our thing,” she told me, her voice muffled by her sleeping bag. “Like, forever.” “I think they call that marriage,” I laughed, my voice a whisper. “I’m okay with that,”

“I thought you were more about not being unhappy.” “Is there a difference?” “Sure. If you want to be happy, it’s pretty simple: you do things that make you happy. If you don’t want to be unhappy, you’re cool with that safe, neutral, boring zone where nothing good or bad happens.”

“Like, they wasted their time doing what other people thought they should do instead of what they wanted to do. So… I figure if I basically say ‘screw everyone else’ and live for myself, I’m pretty likely to not have regrets. If I want something, I go after it, regardless of what anyone else thinks about me for it.”

I was sure, then, with Chloe relaxing beside me and her lips pressed gently against the skin by my collarbone, that if there somehow were a Heaven up there, she’d fit right in.

“Harper, I’m really glad I met you.”

“I’d marry you, if we were together for long enough,” I told her at last, long after she’d fallen silent again. “I want you to know that.”

“I was just trying to find a way to let you know that I think about having a life with you, is all,”

“I’m just scared to lose you, is all. I don’t want to think about the future because I can’t think about how perfect it could be without thinking about how it’d feel to lose it all.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been awful. I’m sorry I didn’t smile enough and that I wouldn’t ride roller coasters with you and that I didn’t let you kiss me that first weekend when I knew I liked you too. I was just scared.”