Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships

by Kira Asatryan

isolation is often experienced by highly functional people who have no apparent cause for feeling separate.

somehow a mediocre interaction with other people does not alleviate loneliness. It usually makes it worse.

Closeness is a simple principle: it is the experience of having direct access to another person’s inner world. When you have this access to another’s inner world — and she has access to yours — you share the feeling of closeness. A person’s inner world includes her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, preferences, rhythms, fantasies, narratives, and experiences. When two people are close, he knows her beliefs and can easily speak to them. She recognizes his rhythms and can easily move in time with him. He can feel her feelings. She knows what he’s thinking. Your inner worlds are — metaphorically — close enough to touch. The more you gain access to someone’s inner world (and she to yours), the closer the relationship with that person becomes. The more closeness you generate, the farther you move away from feeling distant. And since loneliness is essentially sadness caused by distance, the more access you gain to another person’s inner world, the less lonely you will feel. In other words, closeness works as the antidote to loneliness by nullifying distance and the sadness that comes with it.

We tend to think we know someone when we’ve interacted with him a lot and formulated a theory about “how he is.” Howard is a pushover. Ashley is always late. Jenny can’t control her temper. Luke is a really nice guy. This kind of false knowing will not generate closeness. It’s false because an objective, omniscient picture of “how Jenny is” doesn’t exist (or if it does exist, it’s unknowable to any of us). We only have our experience of how Jenny is. When you tell the tale of how another person is from your perspective, you’re making him or her into a character, a player in your own life story. This way of knowing does not bring you closer because it is really all about you.

Many of us have been taught to show caring by worrying about the other person,

A simple, interested observation, coupled with an invitation to share, is appropriate in any context.

Caring is, in many ways, the ultimate form of validation. Coupled with knowing, it produces an unshakable bond.

Knowing and caring are a powerful combination. They create the feeling that another person not only knows your deepest, truest self, but is actively engaged in keeping your deepest, truest self well. What more could we want from our relationships?

“Well-being” and “optimal functioning” are not fanciful notions. They’re not abstract constructs of the imagination or ambitions that are too lofty for us to achieve. They are simply the things that make us feel well and do well in life. They are practical benefits. They are the difference between being excited to get up each day and being unable to drag yourself out of bed. They are the difference between feeling happy and feeling sad, between feeling capable and feeling incapable. And they are closely related to intimate relationships.

The more we expect perfect efficiency from interactions with our phones, the less patience we have for interactions with people.

The reality is, the types of human interactions that generate closeness and reduce loneliness are not terribly efficient.

Myth 1: Love is a reliable solution to loneliness. Myth 1 reframed: Love is a mystery; closeness is not.

Family members, more so than any other people in relationships, tend to think they don’t have to do anything to maintain the relationship. “Family is forever,” right? While this can be a deeply comforting thought, don’t let it become an excuse not to try. Don’t let “family is forever” get translated into “I don’t have to be nice to you because you couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried.”

Myth 2: Some types of relationships are inherently closer than others. Myth 2 reframed: Any relationship can be close, and any relationship can be distant.

Attraction is essentially your intuition assessing the situation before your conscious mind gets the chance to. Attraction is your subconscious picking up on subtle cues that it likes before your conscious mind understands exactly what it is it’s liking. I find evidence for this in the fact that attraction is often described as a spiritual or psychic experience, as a meeting of the minds or a melding of hearts. Love at first sight. Instant connection. Attraction is simply a finger pointing toward potential closeness.

needs tend to be very similar for all people, whereas values tend to be highly individualized.

Then state your question in as few words as possible. Shorter questions are better because they strike a better balance between hard and soft (think of the tightrope). Asking shorter questions also makes it easier for you to leave yourself out of the question.