Turbo Twenty-Three (Stephanie Plum, #23)

by Janet Evanovich

Jimmy climbed into the cab and swung down with the key. Eddie took the key, opened the door to the freezer truck, and a body fell out. We all jumped back. “What the hell?” Jimmy said. It was a chocolate-covered man, sprinkled with chopped pecans, totally frozen. Hard to tell if it was a real corpse or a solid chocolate novelty item. We all looked down at it. “That better not be a dead person,” Lula said. “On account of you know how I feel about dead people. I’m not in favor of them.” “Could just be a big Popsicle,” Jimmy said, toeing the chocolate guy. “I don’t think so,” Lula said. “It don’t got no stick up its hoo-hoo.”

I disconnected with Ranger, and Lula hustled over with a breakfast sandwich, a bucket of chicken, a side of biscuits with gravy, and a giant soda. I watched her buckle up and dig in to the chicken. “Aren’t you worried about the calories in all that food?” “It’s not as much as you might think on account of I got a diet soda. And I was careful to balance out my meal with something from different major food groups. I got fried protein, tasty carbohydrates, and gravy.” “Gravy isn’t a food group.” “Say what?”

“Seems like it would be easier to just quit smoking.” “You say that on account of you never smoked. Sure, it could shorten your life and give you lung cancer and heart disease and ruin your skin, but you ever see the look on someone’s face when they take that first drag? It’s like when you feel a orgasm coming on. Like you’ve been workin’ and workin’ at it and finally you know you nailed it and zow! you got yourself a orgasm.” “Were you a smoker?” “Hell, yeah. I was a big smoker, but I’m not stupid. I got this beautiful chocolate skin and I’m not going all crone with it because of smoking.” “How did you quit?” “I traded in my cigarettes for a vibrator. I got a dandy little battery job that I carry in my purse, and when I feel the urge to light up I just stick this thing against my lady parts and buzz myself into relaxation and happiness. Personally I don’t get the whole e-cigarette thing. I mean, if you’re going mechanical wouldn’t you rather put those batteries to work on your pleasure bean?”

“What are we looking for?” Lula asked. “I don’t know exactly. Evidence of chocolate syrup and chopped nuts. A huge freezer. Bloodstains.” “The usual stuff,” Lula said.