The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

Lisa and Kathy are playing hopscotch when Kathy starts to cry. “What’s wrong?” asks Lisa. “You hurt my feelings,” says Kathy. “How did I do that?” asks Lisa. Kathy explains that she wanted Lisa to wear the same barrette in her hair that Kathy had on, and she had brought an extra one from home especially for Lisa. She was hoping that Lisa would wear it as a sign that they were best friends. Lisa says she doesn’t like to wear barrettes in her hair. Kathy cries harder. “But I do want to be best friends,” says Lisa. It doesn’t stop there. The girls go on to review how they first met and how they became friends. They talk about doing a sleepover, plan whose house it is going to be at, and discuss what they might do together during the sleepover. They decide to one day marry brothers, so they can become sisters. This goes on and on. The game of hopscotch is long forgotten. It is only a context for the relationship. And emotions are a way of getting closer. They are the stuff of intimacy, and that’s the real reason the girls play the game: The feeling of connection with one another. The actual game is okay, but it’s often just a mask for exploring the closeness of the relationship. For the girls, the goal isn’t the game and stopping the play isn’t a drawback or a disruption of the fun. Emotions are not a problem for girls. They are a good thing, an opportunity for intimacy. To girls, expressing the feelings requires taking a risk, opening up, and trusting one another. It’s a good...