The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want

by John M. Gottman

THERE IS A vicious rumor going around that men don’t buy books. If you are a man and you bought this book (or borrowed it), congratulations! You are a pioneer. A stereotype-busting man among men. A soon-to-be Hero who knows how to be the man that all women wish they had.

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine. —Will Ferrell

The number one thing women look for is simply this: trustworthiness. That’s right, trustworthiness. Now before you go patting yourself on the back and putting this book down because you know that she knows that you are trustworthy, think again. Trustworthiness isn’t just about whether or not you are a player or, if you’re in a long-term relationship, whether or not you’ve ever been unfaithful.

Now you may be saying, “Hold on a minute, we’ve just met” or “I’m just looking for a date.” Well, knowing what her deep, evolutionary needs are will help you know how to win her heart for a night or for a lifetime. Just remember that she’s asking herself, even if she’s not consciously thinking about it, “Is he safe? Will he be there for me? Is he dependable? Is he trustworthy?”

Most of the time, this is about being there for them emotionally: listening to them, caring for them, and safeguarding their hearts.

In contrast, men have two major complaints about women: “There’s too much fighting, and there’s not enough sex.”

and we discovered a fundamental fact: The fights of many couples result from men dismissing women’s emotions instead of attuning to them. You dismiss a woman’s emotions every time you try to fix them, distract her from them, minimize them, mock them, or ignore them altogether.

Physically. Turn. Toward. Your. Partner. Women equate intimacy with conversation that is face-to-face and eyeball-to-eyeball.

And how you get to understanding is by asking questions.

If the woman in your life is complaining about her best friend, don’t offer a solution, don’t try to distract her, don’t think of how you can “fix” the problem, don’t make jokes, and don’t minimize the problem. Ask questions about

This is especially important if what a woman is talking about or is upset about is you. Don’t react. No one likes to be criticized or feel like they are under attack. But the tricky thing is, if you counterattack, make excuses, justify, or argue, you are only going to be criticized more.

listening is sexier than talking.

What Do Men Want? We’ve already defined from our research what it is men want: less fighting and more sex. But in a more general way, a man wants to be desired and to feel like the woman in his life wants him,

What men need to know is that high stress causes men to get less fearful, but when women feel high stress they get more fearful and are more likely to be afraid in the future. Women are more likely to feel fear in response to a stressful situation than men are. Women also experience much more fear over the course of a lifetime, and once they feel fear in a situation, they will be even more afraid when that situation arises again in the future.

For starters, when a woman is afraid, hold her hand. Even better, try to help her avoid feeling afraid in the first place.