as soon as we get a sense that the other person is similar to us in some way—politics, background, interests—we begin to relax, and subconsciously treat them as a potential ally. Scientists describe this as seeing someone as part of our in-group. And this small shift in social calculus has major effects on our interactions. First off, we’re no longer in defensive mode, which makes us altogether more charming to be around. Research has also found that seeing someone as part of our in-group means we’re immediately more likely to feel empathy for that person’s pain, or share in the joy of his or
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