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December 10 - December 29, 2019
Step 4: Ask for the other person’s perspective.
“How do you see it?”
misinterpreting what she’d said, or maybe she’d genuinely overdone it. Either way, he now had an understanding of where she was coming from. His ballooning anger was being nicely deflated.
Step 5: Do some joint problem solving. The final step is to decide together how to make things better.
making your interactions manageable rather than marvelous.
Play back what they’ve said. Where possible, repeat what you think they’re asking or saying, and check “did I get that right?” It makes them feel heard, which can calm them. And playing back their unvarnished words can occasionally highlight their unreasonableness. Talk about observable actions, not their attitude. You can have factual conversations about actions—for example, about whether something was done or not done, by whom, at what time. They can deny they have a bad attitude. It’s harder to deny the facts of what’s happened. Be crystal clear in your communication. Remember you each have
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Cut your losses. If you’ve tried all the techniques here and they’re still being unconstructive, it’s okay to minimize the exposure you have to them (see “Ditch Your Sunk Costs” in Chapter 18 to see why). Keep your interactions short, businesslike, and polite, without investing much more of yourself.
Don’t interrupt. Let them talk at length; aim for at least five minutes. It’s sometimes hard not to fill the gaps when the other person pauses to think. But don’t jump in. Listen intently. Make encouraging noises. Nod. Wait.
once again, remember: it’s about the other person, not you. Your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions will be bubbling up inside you. If they threaten to boil over, remember that you’ll have a chance to share them some other time, and bring your focus back to the
goal, reality, options, and way forward: Goal. What does the ideal outcome look like? Reality. What’s the current situation—the good and the bad? Options. What are the options for moving forward? (Always start with the other person’s ideas. Tell them you’re happy to add yours, but that you want to start with theirs.) Way forward. What is their first step going to be? When will they take it? What help do they need?
Technique 1: “What I Like About That Is . . .” Tell the other person: “What I like about that is . . .” Give meaningful, specific examples—more than one if possible. Aim for as many specific positive examples as you can before you give suggestions for changes. Then say: “What would make me like it even more is . .
Instead, try “Yes, and . . . ,” to signal that you’re adding your perspective alongside that suggestion rather than in conflict with it.
But it’s the wrong time,” say “Yes, great project. And we also have the annual strategy round about to launch.” Then invite discussion: “What can we do about that timing?”
The “yes, and” approach allows you to introduce important considerations without closing down the other person’s ideas. I like it a lot, because it allows more space for the possibility that you don’t have the whole picture.
Technique 3: “What Would Need to Be True to Make That Work?”
Questions seem to encourage our brains into discovery mode, by piquing our curiosity and instilling a feeling of “Ooh, I wonder what the answer might be,” rather than “I must crack this darned thing.”
Stop and tackle a different part of the problem or a different issue for a few minutes, to allow your brain some time to do some background processing before you return to the issue.
you can, plan to split your work on the topic into two working
Mapping things out visually, with lines and boxes, can give us a better overview of the whole picture as well as helping us see new connections in a situation, often highlighting consequences or shortcuts that weren’t previously obvious.
Write in longhand. Take a notebook and pen, and start writing down your thoughts about the issue. Most of us do this so rarely that it’s a quick way of getting into a different state of mind and allowing novel connections to form. Set a timer and write for ten minutes. If you run out of steam, it’s okay—just ask yourself what else you have to say about the topic, and wait till something else comes to mind. It always does.
Explain your issue to someone else. If you’ve spent a while wrestling with an idea, try explaining what you’re doing to someone else. In software engineering, this process is sometimes called “rubber ducking” because even explaining your work to an inanimate object (such as a rubber duck) is a reliable way of reaching new insight. It
Map it out. Create a physical map of the key aspects of the project or problem you’re working on. Here’s how:
Pose a question. When you’re feeling blocked, ask yourself: “What would be a totally different approach to this?” “What would be a great way of going about solving this?” “If I knew the answer, what would it be?”
Refresh and reboot. Try shifting your focus to a different type of task for a while, before returning to the original issue. Switch views. Try a different way of describing or looking at the issue you’re working on, and notice what patterns or insights come to the surface:
Find an analogy. Expose yourself to a different type of stimulus (e.g. observe another organization’s ways of working; view websites or images from fields different from yours), and ask yourself: How is this like the topic I’m working on? How is it different? What new idea does that suggest I could explore?
Before you get into your task in detail, take stock of recent positive events.
Prioritize it. It doesn’t matter how well you think you’re getting by—you’d be sharper if you weren’t short of sleep. So if you’re working late and not sure whether to push on: go to bed. You’ll be faster and smarter in the morning—more in control of the facts, and more able to see new linkages.
Develop a sleep routine. It’s easier to fall asleep more quickly if you have a routine, because your associative brain starts to associate the bedtime ritual with “it’s time to sleep.” The ritual ideally includes going to bed at the same time each night, with a fixed pattern of activity leading up to the moment when you climb under the cover.
Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. —HOWARD
It feels good to be able to tell others that we saw something unusual or startling; it makes us feel that we’re offering something of value to our tribe.
People’s brains form stronger associations around a new piece of information when it includes emotion as well as facts; there’s more material for the brain to get its teeth into, so to speak.
So human interest—people plus (positive) emotion—is an ingredient that makes it easier to engage our audience.
Keep it as short as possible. Recognize the limited processing capacity of people’s working memory. Keep the language as simple as possible. Take out unnecessary detail or verbiage words.
Provide signposts.
Before you open your mouth or start typing, always take a moment to put yourself in the listener or reader’s shoes. Think about what that person is likely to know or feel about the topic at hand.
We know by now that people’s brains like to take shortcuts.
Experts: people widely respected for their knowledge or skills • Hubs: social types who are well liked around the water cooler • Gatekeepers: people who control important resources or processes
We can see it as “game over” or as “game on.”
Bartek felt so bad about the situation that he was finding it hard to think straight. He could feel his muscles tightening up, which he realized was a sign his brain was on the defensive—something he was well equipped to recognize, thanks to
affect labeling.
Suppressing negative emotions has been found to backfire, increasing both physiological and neurological markers of stress.4 So as Bartek says, “If you jump straight into solution mode before recognizing how you’re feeling, you probably won’t be doing your best thinking about what to do next.”
Writing it down. Write a sentence or two about how you’re feeling, and what’s causing those feelings (“I feel irritated/upset/let down right now because . . .”).
Structured venting. If you find it helpful to talk to co-workers or friends about what’s winding you up, ask them to hold back on giving advice until you’ve articulated what you’re feeling and what’s causing that feeling. It’s not hard to do this informally by simply saying: “Can I just get this off my chest?” With a close friend, you might be even more explicit: “I don’t need you to solve anything just yet. I just need you to nod and say, ‘How terrible.’ ”
Calling it out. Next time you’re in a meeting where tension is obvious, try saying out loud: “This is feeling tough right now, isn’t it? What can we do differently?”
Travel forward in time. Ask yourself: “What will I think about this a month from now, or a year from now?” Simple, but it’s a favorite of mine precisely because of that.
Our workplaces are full of uncertainties. Will you sell enough this month to make your target?
While it’s normal and healthy to reflect on what’s going on in our lives, obsessive rumination isn’t all that helpful.
Step 1: List the “true facts.” You’ll be good at this by now, because this was also a foundational step in the “good person, bad circumstance” technique for handling difficult behavior in other people (in Chapter 9). You’ll remember that “true facts” are the things you truly know for sure.
So mindfulness is as powerful in boosting our emotional stability as it is in improving our thinking.
